Just When You Think You Are Doing Better...

You run into a brick wall. Yup. Things are going good, school is stressful, but you are managing and then bam. One event stops everything good that was happening. 

Jack has been part of a TSH (thyroid) study since he was born. I agreed to do the study when I was pregnant with him because I had a low thyroid. Each year around his birthday I would take him in and they would do little IQ tests on him. The first three years the tests were located close to the University of Utah hospital, but not in the hospital. The last two have been IN the hospital. Last year I don't remember it affecting me. I remember having anxiety as I was driving up there, but once we got inside I was ok. This year everything bothered me. It was an awful, horrible day. 

All I could think about on the way there this year was what I was thinking the day I drove to the hospital on February 22, 2011. Walking through the revolving doors, running to the elevator, the number 4 button on the elevator, the empty hospital beds in the hallway. I was getting sick. My chest was feeling tight, I couldn't breath, I felt light headed. It was awful! Once we got to the testing room I snapped out of my panic attack and pulled myself together while Jack got his testing done. Not really sure how I did that, but I did. We finished and came home and I was emotionally drained. I felt like I did in the those first weeks after Jonas died. Numb. I sat and stared at my window for hours, not really knowing what was going on around me. Not really thinking anything, just staring and feeling very alone and empty. 

That had been a Saturday. By Monday I was feeling somewhat better and managed to work on homework. That event had thrown my entire weekend off. I didn't get any homework done, in fact, I got absolutely nothing done. By this time I was just really upset that I had let myself "lose" it and waste an entire weekend. I am too busy to have those meltdowns! But after talking to some people, they helped me realize that I am still going to have those messy days and that it's ok. My grief is not over. I have only had two Christmas' without my husband. One. Two. That is not very many. We count so many things in months...how many months until my birthday, how many months is your child, how many months until summer vacation...but grief is not counted in months, it is counted in years. One. Two. I still have a lot of grieving left to do! 

My third Christmas without Joe is quickly approaching. One. Two. Three. That is not very many. I am not going to beat myself up because I am feeling sad and lonely again. I know I am in a better place than I was last year at this time. I am definitely moving forward. But sometimes I am going to go backwards. It's not going to be as far back as what it was in 2011 or 2012, but I will go back. I will be sad and very depressed, but it won't last as long, and then I will move forward again. Always searching for my new normal. Sometimes I feel I will be searching for this new normal forever. I am just going to keep hoping and praying that one day I will find my true happiness again and my new normal will just appear. That, my friends, is what keeps me going. Hope.

A Perfect Dream

It had been a rough day. The night just got worse. I just needed and wanted someone to talk to. Not just anyone, I wanted my husband. I wanted him to ask me how my day was, I wanted to talk about our boys, I needed his opinion on my classes at school. I wanted to talk about Jack's first day at preschool and Sam and Ben's first day in 5th and 3rd grades, I wanted to show him I finally organized the junk drawer and tell him that when I vacuumed under the fridge earlier that day, I had found all our missing crayons and markers and that it was really disgusting. Things that no one else in the world cares about except your spouse. Some days are terribly lonely and I was aching to have someone to talk with, so instead I started crying and talking to myself. Now, I know people will say, "but he is with you, he can hear you, talk to him..." yadda yadda yadda.... yes, I know that, but I want him to talk back to me. I want to physically hear his voice. I was pleading to my Heavenly Father about this very thing on this night. I went to bed late, which made me more mad because I was planning to get up early to exercise.

My alarm went off at 5:00am. Nope. Turned that thing immediately off and went back to sleep. I woke up at 6:00am. Nope. Still too tired to exercise. Sam came into my room at 7:30 and I had just woke up for the third time. After laying there for a few minutes, I started to remember I had had the most wonderful dream. As I started to remember it, the details became more clear instead of getting fuzzy like they usually do when I try to remember my dreams...

Jonas was there. We were in the kitchen and he was getting ready to go to work. As he walked past me, I said "don't go, let's do something" and we started dancing. Just for a brief moment....I was laughing and smiling... then we were standing somewhere else... we were hugging and I had my head on his chest. I could really "feel" his body. I remember thinking, "I'm so glad you didn't die because I remember how much I missed touching you and I thought I would never get to touch you again." In my dream I was savoring every touch. I can still see my hand on his chest and really being able to "feel" his body. It was the craziest feeling when I woke up and remembered. Jonas had been there. I really felt his body and I can still remember how it felt. Of course, I cry every time I think about how it felt to touch him again and it has made me sad the past two days, but I am so thankful I had that dream. It was beautiful. It was wonderful. He still loves me and he watches over me everyday. I am blessed to have an angel constantly at my side. I'm pretty sure Jack knows his daddy is always with us because he tells me all the time that his daddy is here, but I needed the reminder, and I am so thankful it was in the form of a beautiful, wonderful dream.

When The Darkness Returns

A run down of what has been going on...

Ben got baptized, I went to a fabulous LDS widow/widower conference in March that helped me tremendously, I went on some dates (yeah, that is a long blog for another day!), I started school, I have continued with my exercising and healthy eating quest and lost 30 lbs, Sam celebrated his 10th birthday, I got accepted into the social work program at Weber State, we celebrated one of the hardest holidays "Father's Day", and today is my would be 16th wedding anniversary.

I was doing great. I was having fun. I was feeling motivated. Then, it went away. And so the roller coaster continues!

Life is definitely an uphill battle. I know we all feel it and all have our individual struggles. Some people have very apparent and visible struggles like the loss of a loved one, health problems, or marital problems. Others have inward struggles with depression or anxiety or a number of other mental illnesses. Life is hard! Life is most the time unfair. So how do we get through this hard, unfair life we are all living?

I ask myself that question all the time. Last week I felt like I was in a very dark place again. I had been struggling with the stress of school, parenting a hard child all alone, missing Jonas, and just life in general. I slowly felt myself slipping back into darkness. That is the only way I can describe it. When you are happy you feel joy and light in your life. When you are sad and depressed you feel darkness. It is a horrible place to be. I did not want to get out of bed. I didn't care about anything and just wanted to sleep. That is another thing with depression, you are SO tired. It's the kind of tired you feel when you have been really sick. Every inch of your body is tired. Your mind is tired. You don't want to do anything but sleep. If you have felt the effects of depression you know what I mean. If you are feeling this type of depression right now, seek help! I knew I couldn't do it on my own. It was not possible. I spent some time writing down all the things going on in my head. Writing is so therapeutic for me. I talked to a really good friend that I knew could help me and I prayed. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I know without a doubt, the only way I was able to be pulled from that darkness was with the hand of God. He loves all of us so much. He is waiting for us to ask for help. He is ALWAYS there for us. How easily I forget Him when things are going good. How easily he forgives me when I need His help again. I hope to remember Him even in my good times so that He will always know how grateful I am for Him and His love for me and my children. 

Although I am still feeling a little blue and really missing Joe today on our wedding anniversary, the darkness has definitely been lifted. I am going to once again keep pushing forward and hope my motivation and joy returns in full force really soon. I need it to...school is tough! :)

I have been taking my boys hiking with me. I love it. 

They like it for awhile...until they are hot and tired!

Summer haircuts! I didn't recognize Jack for a few days,
I kept thinking it was Ben.  Jack has never had short hair!
They are so handsome!

My handsome Ben on his baptism day

Pushing Forward

Its been hard finding a desire to blog lately. I don't know why. Maybe I am finding I don't need the outlet as much as I used to or maybe I just don't make the time for it like I should. I thought a lot about doing a post for the second year anniversary which was February 22nd, but as you can see that did not happen. I still ask myself at times, "is this really my life?" "Did this really happen?" "Is Jonas really gone?" Maybe I will always ask those questions because honestly, it still doesn't feel real. I am still trying to find my new normal and still trying to accept my new life.

I have however, found something that is bringing me much joy. (Yes, I used the word joy.) I am exercising regularly again and I am loving it. Back in the days before kids I would exercise regularly and I really enjoyed it. But then, kids came, husband got sick, exercise got put away, and the thought of it did not sound fun at all. Even when I was training for my half marathon last spring I was not finding as much joy in exercise as I do now. Probably because I was doing it alone. I look forward to my class every morning and have met some really fun people there. Both Jack and I get excited to go see our friends everyday. He has made some friends in the daycare and loves going to see them. 

I have also moved forward with pursuing my education. I got accepted to Weber State University and will start classes this summer. I am so excited to be in school again! I was originally going to start in the fall but am anxious to get going. I am actually looking forward to homework. I'll let you know how long that lasts once it starts. :) 

We have adopted a new motto in our home. "I can do hard things." I make my kids say it whenever they want to give up on something. I make myself say it on a daily basis. Because life is hard. But you can't give up. "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand" -Randy Pausch

I have been blessed to have amazing, inspiring people in my life. I couldn't get through this trial without them. I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven that helps me every step of the way. I am reading a great book right now called 'The Continuous Atonement' by Brad Wilcox. There are so many great thoughts in there. One of my favorites so far is, "When we are tempted to give up, we must remember God is long suffering, change is a process, and repentance is a pattern in our lives." 

I am trying to be happy. I am trying to move forward. Some days I can do it, some days I have to be carried by others. I am so thankful to everyone that helps carry me.