You run into a brick wall. Yup. Things are going good, school is stressful, but you are managing and then bam. One event stops everything good that was happening.
Jack has been part of a TSH (thyroid) study since he was born. I agreed to do the study when I was pregnant with him because I had a low thyroid. Each year around his birthday I would take him in and they would do little IQ tests on him. The first three years the tests were located close to the University of Utah hospital, but not in the hospital. The last two have been IN the hospital. Last year I don't remember it affecting me. I remember having anxiety as I was driving up there, but once we got inside I was ok. This year everything bothered me. It was an awful, horrible day.
All I could think about on the way there this year was what I was thinking the day I drove to the hospital on February 22, 2011. Walking through the revolving doors, running to the elevator, the number 4 button on the elevator, the empty hospital beds in the hallway. I was getting sick. My chest was feeling tight, I couldn't breath, I felt light headed. It was awful! Once we got to the testing room I snapped out of my panic attack and pulled myself together while Jack got his testing done. Not really sure how I did that, but I did. We finished and came home and I was emotionally drained. I felt like I did in the those first weeks after Jonas died. Numb. I sat and stared at my window for hours, not really knowing what was going on around me. Not really thinking anything, just staring and feeling very alone and empty.
That had been a Saturday. By Monday I was feeling somewhat better and managed to work on homework. That event had thrown my entire weekend off. I didn't get any homework done, in fact, I got absolutely nothing done. By this time I was just really upset that I had let myself "lose" it and waste an entire weekend. I am too busy to have those meltdowns! But after talking to some people, they helped me realize that I am still going to have those messy days and that it's ok. My grief is not over. I have only had two Christmas' without my husband. One. Two. That is not very many. We count so many things in months...how many months until my birthday, how many months is your child, how many months until summer vacation...but grief is not counted in months, it is counted in years. One. Two. I still have a lot of grieving left to do!
My third Christmas without Joe is quickly approaching. One. Two. Three. That is not very many. I am not going to beat myself up because I am feeling sad and lonely again. I know I am in a better place than I was last year at this time. I am definitely moving forward. But sometimes I am going to go backwards. It's not going to be as far back as what it was in 2011 or 2012, but I will go back. I will be sad and very depressed, but it won't last as long, and then I will move forward again. Always searching for my new normal. Sometimes I feel I will be searching for this new normal forever. I am just going to keep hoping and praying that one day I will find my true happiness again and my new normal will just appear. That, my friends, is what keeps me going. Hope.
