Finding My New Normal

"Finding your new normal". This is something you will often hear if you have lost a loved one.  As I sit and think about this statement, I find it a very bizarre statement but nevertheless a very true statement. Bizarre because normal is not "new". Normal is comfortable, reliable, relaxed. There is nothing new about normal. It is old, it is normal!


But, you have to find a new normal because your "old" normal will never again be the same. Things will always be different. Your life will never ever be the same or in other words, "normal." So, the day your loved one dies is the day you begin your journey of trying to "find your new normal". It is not a journey I would wish for anyone.


I am eight months into this journey. Eight months! I can hardly believe my honey has been gone for eight months. It feels like he has been gone forever and yet it feels like it just happened. How am I doing after eight months? It really depends on the day. Life is still a huge roller coaster. I can be completely content and happy and then a thought crosses my mind or someone says something and my mind floods with memories or future memories we should have had. It's not even things said directly to me that get me down, its the things I overhear. It's the "I love you honey" or  the "I will talk to you later". It's the "daddy's home" or "hi daddy" that really makes my heart take a dive. It's the child running to his dad for a hug or the husband with his arm around his wife as they sit next to each other or stroll along the street together. It's the dad cheering his kids on at their soccer games or the husband taking his wife out for date night. But its their normal. It is not mine. It's what I am supposed to be doing, but can't because my normal changed on February 22, 2011. So how do we go about finding our new normal? Good question. Anyone, anyone, anyone? Bueller. Bueller. Bueller. Yeah, I obviously don't have a clue. But, we do a little of this...

I cheer Sam and Ben on at their soccer games.....

We go camping with fabulous friends....

I spend lots of volunteer hours being the PTA Treasurer, I taxi kids to lessons, I do homework, reading, and bedtime. I (sometimes) make dinner, I do laundry, clean bathrooms, and work on de-cluttering projects. I go grocery shopping and referee fights. I try and keep the garage organized and the yard looking nice. I wash the car and pump up bike tires. I play games with my kids and have family prayer.


Reading over this list, life seems pretty normal. Except.... its not because we do all of this without Jonas. So, I guess in conclusion, finding your new normal means going on with your normal life.... just differently.


 Well. That. Makes. Perfect. Sense.


Lucky me though, I have a wonderful dad that helps me with yard work and car washes. Brother-in-laws that fix things, install new things in my house, and play with my kids. Sisters that babysit all the time for PTA meetings, appointments, and alone time for myself. I have Joe's family who are always so concerned about me and are always willing to help me anytime I need it.  I have an amazing mom that helps me with everything I can't do on my own (which is a lot) and neighbors and friends that care about me and help me with finding that "new normal" I am searching for. I couldn't make this journey alone and for all of you I am truly grateful.


I suppose I will continue to do my normal things......just a little different.

A marvelous time, a BIG crash and burn...

So I went on the most fabulous girls trip with some good friends of mine. We laughed, we talked, we laughed, we talked.....seriously so much fun! And we just happened to be at the happiest place on earth....yup.....I was in Disneyland. Without my children! It was such a different experience. I love Disneyland and I love being there with my kids. I actually felt pretty guilty going on a trip to a "kid" place without my kids. But I really had a blast and got to experience Disneyland in a way that you just don't get to do when you have kids. I got to go through ALL the shops and there are lots of them! I got to eat with adults which meant I was having "adult" conversation and I was enjoying ALL my meals. It was quite heavenly. I ate at restaurants that I didn't even know they had and the food was wonderful. I got to go on rides that my kids never want to and I went on space mountain three times in a row! I love browsing through stores and one day I spent two hours just wandering. It was awesome. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. But then.....I had to come home.....and its been rough.


Of course I missed my boys and I was so happy to see them. But coming home to reality kind of sucks. I started to feel it on the plane. We left California in bad weather and came home to Utah in bad weather. It kind of set the mood for my "return to reality." I haven't had much motivation to get things done. My suitcase is laying on my floor still packed, I finally did a load of laundry tonight because I had to, my kitchen is in disarray, I have been doing lots of crying but not much of anything else.


 I did, however, put up Halloween decorations. I did more decorating this year then I ever have.....I think because I am still trying to avoid getting back into my routine of doing everything alone. Jonas loved Halloween and I think he would have really liked the decorations I did in the house this year. I miss him so much. Is it possible that I still can't believe he is really gone? Will I ever believe it?  I sit and re-live the last three months of his life and I still don't believe it really ended with him dying. He always pulled through when he was so sick. The doctors always made him better again. He was never 100%, but he got through it. How is it possible that he didn't make it this time? I just can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. It's just way too hard and way too sad.