When The Darkness Returns

A run down of what has been going on...

Ben got baptized, I went to a fabulous LDS widow/widower conference in March that helped me tremendously, I went on some dates (yeah, that is a long blog for another day!), I started school, I have continued with my exercising and healthy eating quest and lost 30 lbs, Sam celebrated his 10th birthday, I got accepted into the social work program at Weber State, we celebrated one of the hardest holidays "Father's Day", and today is my would be 16th wedding anniversary.

I was doing great. I was having fun. I was feeling motivated. Then, it went away. And so the roller coaster continues!

Life is definitely an uphill battle. I know we all feel it and all have our individual struggles. Some people have very apparent and visible struggles like the loss of a loved one, health problems, or marital problems. Others have inward struggles with depression or anxiety or a number of other mental illnesses. Life is hard! Life is most the time unfair. So how do we get through this hard, unfair life we are all living?

I ask myself that question all the time. Last week I felt like I was in a very dark place again. I had been struggling with the stress of school, parenting a hard child all alone, missing Jonas, and just life in general. I slowly felt myself slipping back into darkness. That is the only way I can describe it. When you are happy you feel joy and light in your life. When you are sad and depressed you feel darkness. It is a horrible place to be. I did not want to get out of bed. I didn't care about anything and just wanted to sleep. That is another thing with depression, you are SO tired. It's the kind of tired you feel when you have been really sick. Every inch of your body is tired. Your mind is tired. You don't want to do anything but sleep. If you have felt the effects of depression you know what I mean. If you are feeling this type of depression right now, seek help! I knew I couldn't do it on my own. It was not possible. I spent some time writing down all the things going on in my head. Writing is so therapeutic for me. I talked to a really good friend that I knew could help me and I prayed. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I know without a doubt, the only way I was able to be pulled from that darkness was with the hand of God. He loves all of us so much. He is waiting for us to ask for help. He is ALWAYS there for us. How easily I forget Him when things are going good. How easily he forgives me when I need His help again. I hope to remember Him even in my good times so that He will always know how grateful I am for Him and His love for me and my children. 

Although I am still feeling a little blue and really missing Joe today on our wedding anniversary, the darkness has definitely been lifted. I am going to once again keep pushing forward and hope my motivation and joy returns in full force really soon. I need it to...school is tough! :)

I have been taking my boys hiking with me. I love it. 

They like it for awhile...until they are hot and tired!

Summer haircuts! I didn't recognize Jack for a few days,
I kept thinking it was Ben.  Jack has never had short hair!
They are so handsome!

My handsome Ben on his baptism day

Pushing Forward

Its been hard finding a desire to blog lately. I don't know why. Maybe I am finding I don't need the outlet as much as I used to or maybe I just don't make the time for it like I should. I thought a lot about doing a post for the second year anniversary which was February 22nd, but as you can see that did not happen. I still ask myself at times, "is this really my life?" "Did this really happen?" "Is Jonas really gone?" Maybe I will always ask those questions because honestly, it still doesn't feel real. I am still trying to find my new normal and still trying to accept my new life.

I have however, found something that is bringing me much joy. (Yes, I used the word joy.) I am exercising regularly again and I am loving it. Back in the days before kids I would exercise regularly and I really enjoyed it. But then, kids came, husband got sick, exercise got put away, and the thought of it did not sound fun at all. Even when I was training for my half marathon last spring I was not finding as much joy in exercise as I do now. Probably because I was doing it alone. I look forward to my class every morning and have met some really fun people there. Both Jack and I get excited to go see our friends everyday. He has made some friends in the daycare and loves going to see them. 

I have also moved forward with pursuing my education. I got accepted to Weber State University and will start classes this summer. I am so excited to be in school again! I was originally going to start in the fall but am anxious to get going. I am actually looking forward to homework. I'll let you know how long that lasts once it starts. :) 

We have adopted a new motto in our home. "I can do hard things." I make my kids say it whenever they want to give up on something. I make myself say it on a daily basis. Because life is hard. But you can't give up. "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand" -Randy Pausch

I have been blessed to have amazing, inspiring people in my life. I couldn't get through this trial without them. I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven that helps me every step of the way. I am reading a great book right now called 'The Continuous Atonement' by Brad Wilcox. There are so many great thoughts in there. One of my favorites so far is, "When we are tempted to give up, we must remember God is long suffering, change is a process, and repentance is a pattern in our lives." 

I am trying to be happy. I am trying to move forward. Some days I can do it, some days I have to be carried by others. I am so thankful to everyone that helps carry me.

Finding Brittney

As most of you know, I was married very young. I was the ripe ol' age of 19 when I became Mrs. Webster. I started dating Jonas when I was 16, he went on a LDS mission when I was in high school and he returned home three months after I graduated. We started dating again and we got married a year later. I would like to think that I was wise beyond my years and that I had had many opportunities in life for growth and development of my talents and therefore I knew when I was 19 that I had learned enough in life to make the important decision about marriage. Yes, I would like to think I was that wise, but we all know I wasn't. 

Hindsight is an annoying thing that sends my unfocused mind into turmoil on some days. In hindsight, (pre Feb. 22, 2011) I would often tell people that I had regrets about not finishing school before I got married and that finishing school first would have been the smart thing to do. Jonas would often agree with that since he was in school pretty much our entire marriage. Then, in hindsight, (post Feb. 22, 2011) I no longer had regrets of getting married when I was 19 before I finished school because that meant I was able to spend 14 years as Mrs. Webster. If we had waited we would have had much less time together. Now, in hindsight, (almost 2 years past Feb. 22, 2011) I am starting to realize that pretty much dating just one person and then marrying that person when I was 19 did not give me the chance to figure out who Brittney is/was. I did go to college and get my Associates degree at SLCC, but I was pregnant with Sam and a few weeks away from my due date when I graduated so that put an end to pursuing anything beyond that. So now that I am no longer "Mrs" Webster and I didn't have time to figure out who I was before I became Mrs. Webster I have no idea who Brittney is! What an awful horrible thought that at the age of 34....35 in a few weeks....that I don't know who I am! Seriously. Not only have I lost my spouse but I really feel like I have lost my identity. My other half is gone and he took the person I thought I was with him. Pretty stinky huh.

So what do you do when you feel like you don't know who you are anymore? Well, for one thing I cry about it a lot. Nope, not productive at all, but having pity parties for yourself sometimes makes you feel better. For awhile anyways. The last month or so I have had some serious thoughts about returning to school. Something I couldn't even bring myself to say the first year after Jonas died, but now it crosses my mind quite often. But then I start to second guess everything and my brain turns into a hurricane of thoughts that seriously make me feel crazy. At this point I really don't know if I should go back to school...I have so many things to figure out still....but, I kind of like the thought of having the chance to develop a skill that would allow me to do something I enjoy once my kids are all in school. Who knows.....maybe I would like this "new" Brittney that I didn't know was there. :)

Thankful

I have been worried lately about how unthankful my children seem to be. It's a lot of pressure trying to raise these three (wild) boys on my own. I desperately want them to be gracious, thankful, kind, courteous, hard working and pretty much perfect human beings. Oh, alright, they don't need to be perfect. Just almost. ;)

I decided I better get my act together and set a good example for my kids and let them know how many things I am grateful for.

I am so incredibly thankful for my boys. I know I have said this a million times, but I could not get through each day without them. Each of them has had their turn at "carrying" me on hard days. Whether it be a hand written note laying on my bed, a hug, an "I love you mom", or all three of them coming to sleep with me during the night. They have all done small acts of kindness on a particularly hard day that has carried me through. I love each one of them so much. They are truly three of my greatest blessings.

I am blessed and thankful to have an amazing family. They also make it possible for me to get through my hard days. What a tender mercy it was that we moved back to West Bountiful only one mile from my parent's house. There is not a day that goes by that I am not thankful that I live so close to my family. I think they are pretty awesome. How lucky I am to have three sisters! I don't think any of us could make it through the week without each other. We count on each other way too much to be apart for very long. I really do have the best mom and dad in the world. I love them with all my heart. They are kind and unselfish and spend most of their time doing things for their kids and grandkids! I think they are pretty near perfect people.

I am blessed and thankful to have wonderful in-laws! I know there are so many people that struggle with the "dreaded in-laws" but, I couldn't be more thrilled to be part of the Webster family. When I married Jonas I gained another mom and dad, 2 sisters, and 2 brothers. Love that family! I am so thankful Joe has a brother that my kids can look up to. Their uncle Ty is the closest link they have to their daddy. I hope they will always stay close to him. Sadly, Ty has been left with the huge responsibility of being the "dad" figure to 5 nephews and 1 niece! Joe's sister's husband died in 2002 leaving her with three children. Kathy and Denny will have 9 grandchildren in March of 2013 and only three of them will have their daddy here on earth. So so sad. I adore my sister-in-laws, Melissa and Mandi. We have so much fun together. I wish it could be more often but, I cherish the times we get to be together. I know Jonas dearly loved his parents and held them on a high pedestal. He always spoke kindly about them and was always so grateful for them. I am blessed to call them my family. I miss Melissa's husband Jesse and am so thankful I knew him. You were a better person for knowing Jesse.

I am so thankful for my nieces and nephews! Just thinking about them makes me happy! I love each one of them so much. Joe's sister has Jordan, Davin, and Briauna. Joe's brother has Mayci, Jayden, and baby girl on the way. My sister Heidi has Chloe, Ella, and Cole. My sister Katie has Kaleb and Karson. My sister Sandy has Jayci and baby girl on the way. Each one of those kids has a special place in my heart. I am also so grateful for my brother-in-laws. The way they take time to include my boys in their outings with their kids, the way they play with them and teach them things. I hope they know how much I appreciate that and how much it means to me. You are good good men.

I live in a really good neighborhood. I know I was meant to live here in this particular area because of the good people I am surrounded by everyday. I love my friends and neighbors and am so grateful for all of them. I have friends that I grew up with that still check up on me and keep me happy. What would us girls do without our girls nights out?!?

I have a group of widow friends that mean the world to me. I think about the way we met at an LDS Widows Conference in March 2012 and I know it was meant to be. We need each other. We really couldn't do this without each other. Love, love, love my widow widows. :) There are 26 kids between us ranging in ages 19 to 4. Lots of little ones without their daddy's but, we all know how blessed we are to have these children in our lives.

I am of course, so thankful and grateful for my wonderful husband. He worked so hard for us. Everything he did was to make a better life for us. He had a tender heart that I got to see each time he was with his boys. He loves them so dearly. I know it's probably so hard for him to not be physically here with them but, what an amazing blessing they get to have their daddy with them everyday everywhere they go.

I am grateful for my religion and that I believe what I do. I am thankful it gives me hope everyday that I will see Jonas again. That we will be a family for eternity. Hope and faith are what give me my greatest strength.

DON'T YOU GIVE UP.

DON'T YOU QUIT.

You keep walking.

You keep trying.

There is help and happiness ahead...

It will be all right in the end.

Trust God

and believe in 

good things to come.

-Jeffery R. Holland-

Playin' Catch Up

I feel like I spend almost every day of my life playing catch up. Catching up on laundry, dishes, and house cleaning. Catching up on homework, lessons, and paying bills. Catching up on reading, sleeping, and writing on my blog. Catching up on PTA responsibilities, church responsibilities, and just plain life! Several months ago, I realized (or more like accepted), the fact that most of these things will never be officially "caught up" on. There will always be more laundry, more dishes, more bills to pay, more homework, etc. So I have been trying to think of all my responsibilities as something that needs to be done on a daily basis. I will NEVER be caught up on my to do list. BUT, the problem comes when I go more than a day or two without working on my to do list. If I miss doing laundry for more than a few days we will be in need of socks or underwear in the morning and I will be frantically looking for a clean pair for my boys to wear to school that day. Or, if I miss doing my dishes at night (which, honestly, that happens pretty much every night) Then I have to wake up to sink full of dirty dishes and that never starts my morning off good. Or, if I slack off on doing my PTA or church responsibilities I will be up late the night before its due getting it done. So, as with everything else in life, it's about finding that wonderful thing we call "balance". In my case, balance between accepting that I will never be caught up on my to do list and actually working on my to do list in a timely manner so that I can function without feeling too much stress. Yes, "balance" could very well be the key to a happy, productive, stress free life. :) Too bad I have such a hard time finding it! So, on with my catch up...err....weekly responsibility....

On August 25th I ran/walked the Top of Utah half marathon. It was a good experience and I am so glad I had two dear friends with me to help push me along. It was really hard! I have never been so sore in my entire life! Thinking about the three or four days after the marathon makes me cringe. I remember slowly and painfully getting out of bed the next morning and staring down at my stairs. I did not know how I would get down them. I finally just had to walk down backwards. Every move I made hurt and yet, I am still putting it in the "good" experience category. It was a beautiful run and I was really proud of myself for finishing. I would have liked to be faster and not pushing myself the last mile to stay ahead of the 70+ year old granny that was keeping pace with me, but I did cross before her...maybe by a minute or two. If you can envision a tanned leathery skinned 70+ year old lady, running in a cute little white jogging skirt with a matching tank top and sun visor and me trying to pass her and stay ahead of her the last mile I am sure you will give yourself a laugh. I make myself laugh thinking of it now. That granny was tough! My hat goes off to her and how in shape she still is. She is amazing. Maybe I said I would run it again next year or maybe I now realize how hard it really was and am not sure if I can do it again. Time will tell. :) I honestly have the greatest family. They treated me like I had just raced and won a full marathon. I got hand made pictures from my boys and nieces when I got home. Ben had picked some vegetables from my sisters garden and they were sitting on a note that said, "you deserve this". It was so sweet! The picture Sam drew for me had me winning the race and my legs were running REALLY  fast.  All their drawings were so sweet. Then they thought I needed a party so we went to my mom's for a BBQ and I was the "guest of honor". My sister had decorated the driveway with chalk saying they were proud of me. They even gave me a little gift. Seriously! They treat me like royalty. I love them so much!

On September 4th school started and I now have three kids in school! Sam is in 4th grade, Ben is in 2nd grade, and Jack is in preschool. Could they be any cuter! Sure do love my boys!

On September 19th my baby boy turned four! He is such a blessing in my life. He makes me smile and laugh every day and I know I could not get through this time in my life without him. The morning of his birthday he said to me in an excited voice, "mom! I had a dream bout daddy!" I asked him what daddy was doing in the dream and Jack said he was just there. Jack then said that his daddy missed him. I said, "he must have come to tell you happy birthday" and Jack said, "marbee" (Jack's word for probably) and then ran off to play. It touched my heart that he was able to remember that dream on such a special day. Jack loves anything his brothers love. He adores Sam and Ben and wants to do everything they do. Jack is already really good at xbox (thanks to Sam) and really good at building legos (thanks to Ben). He loves riding his bike, jumping on the trampoline, playing with his cousins, and drinking milk. Milk is by far his favorite food. (Yes, Jack thinks it qualifies as breakfast, lunch, and dinner). I really do try and limit his intake of milk but it makes him so happy. I had told him when he turns four he couldn't have milk in a sippy cup anymore. Well, since turning four I have yet to enforce the rule, so when he is drinking milk he says, "oops mom, I am four now" and goes back to drinking his milk. When there are many worse things than drinking milk out of a sippy cup I think I will save this fight/struggle for a bit longer. He loves Tom & Jerry, George, Scooby Doo, Mickey Mouse Club House & Little Einsteins. Besides milk, he likes toast, pizza, spaghetti, mac n cheese, and hotdogs. He loves treasure boxes and keys and is really good at coloring and drawing. He has the best facial expressions and brings our family so much joy.

On September 29th we headed to Disneyland! We drove there with my mom and dad. My dad did the driving and I got to hang out in the back with my boys. I spent the first couple of hours reading books to Jack. He LOVES being read to and never seems to tire of it.  When we got to Provo Jack said, "this is taking long". I just continued reading to him and he seemed to forget how long it was taking. We spent the first night in Las Vegas and they were of course really excited to swim. The next day we made it to Anaheim and went to the beach. I love the ocean. It reminds me of Jonas. He would have loved playing with his boys in the ocean. All three of them were loving the waves. Jack would get knocked over by a huge wave and jump up and say, "that was awesome!" Ben and Jack had a great time collecting seashells and Sam pretty much never left the waves. We had a really fun time there.

Papa and Sam

My boys have a very special papa. He loves to play with them!

On Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday we were in Disneyland and California Adventure. It was a little on the hot side. I'm talking like 97 degrees and very humid! Starting at 9AM I could feel the sweat rolling down my back. Gotta love that California weather. It was also really busy because of the new Cars Land opening (which is absolutely amazing) and Mickey's Halloween Party on Tuesday night. We didn't pick the most ideal week to go, (that rarely happens) but we still had a lot of fun and made some great memories. Jack was my first child to agree to wait in the princess line with me. We waited for 35 minutes for Cinderella, Snow White, and Aurora. When we got through the line three more princesses came out (Tiana, Belle, and Ariel) and Jack ran back in line and said "more princesses mom!" So we waited in line for another 35 minutes. Every princess we went up to Jack pretended to faint and layed down on the ground with his tongue sticking out. He gets very silly and goofy around pretty girls. :) Jonas would be proud! Sam and Ben were so brave this year! They tried so many rides that they were too scared to go on in 2011. It was so much fun going on big rides with them and it really made me miss Jonas. He would have loved to be there with us and experience Sam and Ben being brave.

 My boys are sure lucky to have their Grammie!

This was the last day...they were hot and tired,
 but Jack was still able to pull a goofy face for the picture

 Jack gave a big hug to every character he saw

 My sister in law Melissa and her kids moved to California in July. We were so excited they were able to spend a day with us in Disneyland! We sure miss them!

 Jack being goofy with the pretty princesses

Coming home from vacations always brings a big emotional crash for me. I really hate coming back to reality. Reality is hard. I can totally understand and empathize with those who run from reality. It would be so much easier! So, to put it mildly, I had a melt down late Saturday night and pretty much cried all day Sunday. I still miss Jonas so much and desperately want to touch and hold him again. The more time that passes the more sad I become for my boys. They are missing out on so much by not having their dad here with them. So many special memories were supposed to be made with their dad during their childhood. Let alone those teenage years where they would be so much more comfortable talking to their dad about things. I continue to try and be positive for them though and pray every day that they will be happy and remember the good times they had with their dad. I know he is with them spiritually and I hope and pray they will be able to feel his presence. We miss you Joe!

Love my mom and dad so much!

My three greatest blessings

My Avengers! Go get em' boys!

The Last Day

I have finally decided that I need to write about my last day with Jonas. It haunts me. I am hoping that by writing about it I can move past the pain and not remember all the regret I have of that day. Many of my memories of that day are vague and blurry. It seems so dream like, but I will try and make sense of it. My dear family...don't read this if you are not ready to hear the details about that most awful day.

The regret starts with February 21st when I left the hospital early. My mom had told me earlier in the day that Jack was having a really hard day and missing me more than normal. I decided that since Jonas hadn't really been awake much that day that I would leave about 3:30 instead of my usual 6:00. Why didn't I stay? Why didn't I have "a feeling" that I should stay and spend more time with him? I get so angry with myself for leaving that night. I should have stayed and held his hand all night.

Regret #2. My mom asked if I was going to the hospital first thing in the morning like I usually did. I told her that since we were having a meeting with the doctors at 4:00 that I would go in around 2:00 and spend the morning with Jack. I would usually try and get there before 10:00 so that I could talk with the doctors during their rounds, but since I would be seeing them at 4:00, I figured I didn't need to rush. Why didn't I go in? Where was that "feeling"? I absolutely hate myself for not going to the hospital at 9:00 like I normally did.

I don't want to sound like I am angry that I spent time with Jack. I know he needed me and that he was having a really hard time with me being gone so much. But I think he would have been fine without me for 24 more hours. Just 24 hours...I left the hospital around 3:30 on the 21st...Joe died at 3:30 on the 22nd...

Jack and I had just finished watching Cinderella (his current favorite at the time), it was 11:25 and my cell phone rang. It was Joe's mom, Kathy. Why the nurse called Kathy and not me I will never know. I was so upset that the nurse had done that. But that doesn't bother me anymore. I got the message and that's all that matters. I know Kathy felt bad that the nurse had called her first. It wasn't her fault and I love Kathy dearly. I was just irrational at the moment. Kathy said, "Brit, the nurse just called and said Joe's heart rate is dropping and they are having a hard time getting it to stay up. She said we should go in to give him support and see if us being there will get his heart rate to stay up..." "OK", I said. "I have to go" click.

My mom was bringing Ben home from Kindergarten. I called her panicked and on the verge of hysterics. She was going to drop Ben off at her house and then come to get Jack so that Ben wouldn't see me like I was. She got there really fast and I flew out the door saying I would call her.

The drive to the University Hospital was awful. It took forever. I sobbed the entire way there.

When I got to the hospital I saw my sister in law's mom (who works at the hospital) just getting off the elevator. She had been upstairs to check on Joe and saw what was going on. She saw me running towards the elevator and came up with me knowing it wasn't good. I remember being so panicked in the elevator. It wasn't going fast enough. Then someone held the door for someone else to get on. I was shaking and saying "come on, come on". We stopped at the 3rd floor.....why! This is taking too long! We got to the 4th floor. I ran out of the elevator and rounded the corner to the hall Joe's room was in. His room was at the end of the hallway. There were so many doctors and nurses standing outside his room. Oh no, I thought....this is not good. I ran down the hall and into his room, my focus on Joe. He was laying there with monitors attached to him. A crash cart in the room. More doctors and nurses inside his room. I remember one of the female doctors had tears in her eyes. They all looked so worried and sad. "Joe" I said. "I am here, I am here, I am here." I remember just dropping my purse right by his bed. I held his hand. He was moaning. It is a haunting moan. I will never forget the moaning he was making every time he breathed out.  They tried several times to get his heart rate to stay up. They would give him medicine and it would go up, only to drop down a minute later. I remember staring at the heart rate monitor attached to the bottom of his bed. It would go up and I would feel calm. Only a minute or two later it would go back down. "This is not supposed to be happening...we have a meeting at 4:00 to plan what we would do if it ever came to this....the doctors said there was no hurry for the meeting...just   something they like to do so that there is a plan...what is going on....no one warned me about this...no one told me this might happen today...why wasn't I here at 9:00...I could have said good-bye if I had been here at 9:00 or even 10:00" ...I think things started to go downhill for him about 10:30, but I am not positive about that.

They wheeled him out of his room. He had not been able to talk to me. I remember seeing Joe's sister Melissa walking down the hall. She was crying. I was in shock. We walked to ICU with him. He was still doing his moan breathing. I was still staring at the heart rate monitor at the bottom of his bed. The two people taking him to ICU got lost. We missed the hallway to turn to ICU. What the crap?! My husband needs to get there now! We turned around and went down the correct hallway. They took him into a room.

Regret #3. The doctors said we needed to leave while they did some testing or whatever it is they do in ICU. I should have DEMANDED to stay. I should have said, "He is my husband! I am not leaving his side!" Why wasn't I forceful about that? Why did I just obediently walk out and go to the waiting room? My husband was dying! I should have never ever ever left him!

Melissa and I sat down in the waiting room. I started crying.

I remember Kathy and Denny (Joe's mom and dad), Tyler and Mandi (Joe's brother and sister in law), my mom, and Joe's grandma all getting to the waiting room at some point. I feel like we were in the waiting room for hours. I remember conversations were going on. Light ones. No one really daring to talk about what may be happening in the ICU. We were just waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. The neurologist finally came into the waiting room to find me (of course I had finally been brave enough to use the restroom....knowing they would come and get me the second I did). My mom told him where I was and he told her to send me into the ICU when I got back. My mom came and found me and I rushed into the ICU. Things are even more vague and blurry in my mind at this point.

I walked in and he was hooked up to so many monitors. They had put a blood pressure monitor in him so they could get constant readings. He was laying there with his eyes closed  not really responsive. The doctor said, "Jonas needs a breathing tube and pace maker in order for him to keep living. I am under the impression you want me to do everything possible to save his life?"

Regret #4. I should have screamed. "YES!" Save my husband! Do everything possible! Don't let him leave me! Please, please, please save my husband! Instead I just looked at him. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what Jonas would want. I can't make this decision. I can't make simple decisions let alone major ones. I knew Jonas didn't want to live in the condition he had been in...I knew that the day we filled out a power of attorney form I asked what I should do if it came to the point that I had to make a decision, he said "well, just let me go," but it was said carelessly without much thought. He was out of it and I don't know if he was serious or just being sarcastic.

 I told the doctor, "I don't know". He asked me if there were other family members here that could help me. I said "yes", and walked out the door to get them.

Regret #5. Why didn't I just make the decision myself? The scene in the ICU room was horrific. I will never get the images or sounds out of my head of people crying, doctors hovering, no one knowing what decision to make, me and Kathy trying to get Jonas to tell us what he wanted. It is a heart breaking, wretched memory. Family members were telling Joe they loved him and I think he was trying to mumble the words I love you back to them. I don't remember if he said it to me, but I talked to Joe's sister in law Mandi about it a few months later and she assured me that he said he loved me and that he never took his eyes off me. She said he was just intently staring at me. I wish so desperately I could remember that. If I would have just told the doctor I wanted some time with Jonas before I went and got his family, maybe I could have got a response from Joe. There wouldn't have been so much confusion. Maybe he would have been able to communicate his wishes to me. I am so angry at myself for the way I let things spiral out of control. Why didn't I take the time to talk to him alone? Why do I always need people to help me make decisions? Am I not an adult that can do things on my own? Obviously not. Maybe this would have been my chance to say good-bye to him. Instead I brought everyone in and it was pure chaos. I didn't get my good-bye.

At one point during the confusion and chaos, Kathy and I were trying to get Jonas to make the decision. Kathy said, "do you want to go home Joe?" He spoke the only words that I distinctly remember . "Yes, mom. Lets go." He said it pretty forcefully too. I think he could feel all the tension and horror going on in the room.  But we still didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. What did Jonas mean? Was he talking about our home in West Bountiful? Or was he talking about his Heavenly home? Was he really saying he was ready to leave this earth?

My saving grace was when one of Joe's liver doctors came into the room. He had been watching us trying to get Jonas to decide what to do. He was witnessing the chaos and horror we were feeling. He came over to us and said. "This is fruitless. Jonas is a very very sick man. Even if we put a pace maker in him he still has so many other health problems. His liver is failing." I felt this thousand pound weight being lifted off my shoulders. I breathed a sigh and said, "OK, we won't go ahead with the procedure".

Regret #6. Why did I say that?

I am not sure in what order the next events happened, but I only remember bits and pieces starting from this moment.

I remember one of the doctors telling me that Jonas would probably die later that night or early the next morning. I remember sitting next to Jonas on a chair, laying my head on his stomach just sobbing. I remember hearing the sounds of Tyler and Mandi crying. I remember seeing Melissa and Kathy crying. I know Denny was having a really hard time with the decision that was made, it wasn't until Dr. Hutson came in and talked to us that he felt a little more at peace with it.

 Dr. Hutson was Joe's liver doctor and the one we had been seeing for the past few months in clinic. We all thought very highly of him and knew he was very well respected and the best liver doctor in Utah. He had been in clinic and had heard that Jonas was in the ICU and wasn't going to make it. He left clinic as soon as he heard and came up to see Joe in ICU. He talked with us for a bit and was stroking Joe's head telling us what a warrior he was. He told us that it was Joe's time and that putting in the pace maker and breathing tube would not save him. He was too sick of a man.

 At one point my mom had everyone leave the room so that I could be alone with Joe. I don't remember for sure, but it seemed like only a few minutes that I was alone with him and then a doctor came in. Regret #7. Why didn't I demand more time alone with him? During the few minutes I  had with him I remember telling him I loved him and that I would be strong for him and the boys. I remember singing a song into his ear. I remember the song I sang, but I will keep that to myself. Jonas wasn't speaking at all at this point. I don't think he was even trying. His eyes were closed and his body was quiet...for the moment. I don't remember what the doctor said when he walked in, but I remember he left and then Melissa came in crying and said, "they told us to come and say our good-byes." After that I just layed my head on Joe's stomach again and cried. I remember hearing Joe's family saying good-bye to him, but I only have small flashes of memories of that.

As I was laying on Joe crying I remember that his breathing started to get noisy again. The moaning started and I felt like he was in pain. Like he was struggling to breath. I remember seeing my mom walk into the room and I told her to tell the doctors to get him something. He was in pain. He needed help. A nurse came in and gave him morphine. Before it kicked in I remember saliva and blood coming out of Joe's mouth. I remember his eyes being opened and the haunting look of his jaundice eyes. His eyes were huge. They were a dark yellow and they looked hollow. He was not there. His eyes at that moment will forever be etched in my memory. A memory I wish I didn't have. When I am remembering this day, I always have flashes of yellow eyes, blood and drool, moaning, and crying. When the pain medicine kicked in he relaxed and I remember the nurse wiping the blood from his mouth. I was alone in the room again except for the nurse. I don't know when that happened. I don't remember what I was doing. I think I was stroking his hand. I remember asking the nurse if he was gone. She said almost. A few minutes later she said, "he is gone." It was 3:30 on February 22, 2011.

I remember soon after that Melissa walked in and said, "Is he gone?" I just nodded my head. I remember the family coming back in. I was numb. I was in shock. I remember that I wanted to get home and talk to my boys before anyone else told them. My mom called her house and told my sisters to try and act normal. Don't let the boys know what happened. I remember my dad getting to the hospital and me hugging him. I wasn't crying. I was numb. I didn't understand what had happened. The doctors thought it would take so much longer for him to go. They had no idea he would die on this day. They didn't know what had caused it. They were just as shocked as us. He went so fast. Faster than anyone had anticipated. I remember talking on the phone to the eye donor foundation. "Yes, you can have his eyes". They asked so many questions. I don't know how I got through that. I think shock was helping me.  I remember talking to Joe's lung doctor (he had come in earlier to say good-bye to Jonas). He came back to ask if they had permission to do an autopsy. Of course I said yes. I was desperately wanting answers. I remember sitting next to Joe until his body started to get cold. It got cold so fast. I remember leaving with my dad. Regret #7. Why did I leave so soon? Why didn't I stay there until they kicked me out? Why did I leave my husband? I should have stayed there holding him until I was forced to leave. I made so many stupid decisions on this day. I remember walking down the hall, back into the elevator, back out to the parking lot. Things were so surreal. Was this really happening? Was this a dream? I remember getting in my dads car and a few minutes later feeling like I was going to throw up. A wave of nauseousness hit me. I remember texting my friends letting them know what happened. Why I did that in a text I will never know. I obviously wasn't thinking. 

My dad dropped me off at home and then went back to his house to get my boys. He brought them in and then left. He knew I wanted to be alone with them. The first thing Sam said to me when he walked in was, "mom, a girl at school today told me our daddy was going to die." I wanted to scream, "of course he won't die! He is a fighter. He has overcome so many illnesses and has always gotten better. Of course he won't die!" I just said, "she shouldn't say things like that to you." I told them to come and sit by me on the couch. Jack was drinking his milk. Ben was next to me. Sam was on the couch across from me. I told them that their daddy was a warrior. That he was so strong. That he loved them so much and that he was so proud of them. It's strange, but the night before I had been talking to them about their uncle Jesse that had died on February 11, 2002. We had talked about where he was and what happened to him. So I reminded them about their uncle Jesse and that he was up in Heaven with Jesus. I then told them that their daddy was up in Heaven too. That he had died and he wouldn't be coming back home. Sam and Ben started crying. Jack had no idea what was going on. He just looked nervous. I just sat on the couch hugging my sobbing 5 year old. My 7 year old didn't want to be held. He just stayed on the opposite couch crying. It was a heart wrenching, horrible scene. It was the worst day of our lives. There was nothing peaceful about it. I only felt confusion, anger, numbness, and shock. Will I ever be at peace with that day? The pain of that day is not as sharp anymore. I think I am good at blocking it out. Even as I write this I have distanced myself from the memories so that I don't think too deeply about them. If I dwell on the details that replay in my head I go to a very dark place. A place that is hard to climb out of. I plan on writing about the days leading up to the funeral but will do it another time. Even though I have not dwelled too much on the details of that day it has still been draining to write it. Hopefully one day this will be the start of healing for me on that most awful day.