Just When You Think You Are Doing Better...

You run into a brick wall. Yup. Things are going good, school is stressful, but you are managing and then bam. One event stops everything good that was happening. 

Jack has been part of a TSH (thyroid) study since he was born. I agreed to do the study when I was pregnant with him because I had a low thyroid. Each year around his birthday I would take him in and they would do little IQ tests on him. The first three years the tests were located close to the University of Utah hospital, but not in the hospital. The last two have been IN the hospital. Last year I don't remember it affecting me. I remember having anxiety as I was driving up there, but once we got inside I was ok. This year everything bothered me. It was an awful, horrible day. 

All I could think about on the way there this year was what I was thinking the day I drove to the hospital on February 22, 2011. Walking through the revolving doors, running to the elevator, the number 4 button on the elevator, the empty hospital beds in the hallway. I was getting sick. My chest was feeling tight, I couldn't breath, I felt light headed. It was awful! Once we got to the testing room I snapped out of my panic attack and pulled myself together while Jack got his testing done. Not really sure how I did that, but I did. We finished and came home and I was emotionally drained. I felt like I did in the those first weeks after Jonas died. Numb. I sat and stared at my window for hours, not really knowing what was going on around me. Not really thinking anything, just staring and feeling very alone and empty. 

That had been a Saturday. By Monday I was feeling somewhat better and managed to work on homework. That event had thrown my entire weekend off. I didn't get any homework done, in fact, I got absolutely nothing done. By this time I was just really upset that I had let myself "lose" it and waste an entire weekend. I am too busy to have those meltdowns! But after talking to some people, they helped me realize that I am still going to have those messy days and that it's ok. My grief is not over. I have only had two Christmas' without my husband. One. Two. That is not very many. We count so many things in months...how many months until my birthday, how many months is your child, how many months until summer vacation...but grief is not counted in months, it is counted in years. One. Two. I still have a lot of grieving left to do! 

My third Christmas without Joe is quickly approaching. One. Two. Three. That is not very many. I am not going to beat myself up because I am feeling sad and lonely again. I know I am in a better place than I was last year at this time. I am definitely moving forward. But sometimes I am going to go backwards. It's not going to be as far back as what it was in 2011 or 2012, but I will go back. I will be sad and very depressed, but it won't last as long, and then I will move forward again. Always searching for my new normal. Sometimes I feel I will be searching for this new normal forever. I am just going to keep hoping and praying that one day I will find my true happiness again and my new normal will just appear. That, my friends, is what keeps me going. Hope.

A Perfect Dream

It had been a rough day. The night just got worse. I just needed and wanted someone to talk to. Not just anyone, I wanted my husband. I wanted him to ask me how my day was, I wanted to talk about our boys, I needed his opinion on my classes at school. I wanted to talk about Jack's first day at preschool and Sam and Ben's first day in 5th and 3rd grades, I wanted to show him I finally organized the junk drawer and tell him that when I vacuumed under the fridge earlier that day, I had found all our missing crayons and markers and that it was really disgusting. Things that no one else in the world cares about except your spouse. Some days are terribly lonely and I was aching to have someone to talk with, so instead I started crying and talking to myself. Now, I know people will say, "but he is with you, he can hear you, talk to him..." yadda yadda yadda.... yes, I know that, but I want him to talk back to me. I want to physically hear his voice. I was pleading to my Heavenly Father about this very thing on this night. I went to bed late, which made me more mad because I was planning to get up early to exercise.

My alarm went off at 5:00am. Nope. Turned that thing immediately off and went back to sleep. I woke up at 6:00am. Nope. Still too tired to exercise. Sam came into my room at 7:30 and I had just woke up for the third time. After laying there for a few minutes, I started to remember I had had the most wonderful dream. As I started to remember it, the details became more clear instead of getting fuzzy like they usually do when I try to remember my dreams...

Jonas was there. We were in the kitchen and he was getting ready to go to work. As he walked past me, I said "don't go, let's do something" and we started dancing. Just for a brief moment....I was laughing and smiling... then we were standing somewhere else... we were hugging and I had my head on his chest. I could really "feel" his body. I remember thinking, "I'm so glad you didn't die because I remember how much I missed touching you and I thought I would never get to touch you again." In my dream I was savoring every touch. I can still see my hand on his chest and really being able to "feel" his body. It was the craziest feeling when I woke up and remembered. Jonas had been there. I really felt his body and I can still remember how it felt. Of course, I cry every time I think about how it felt to touch him again and it has made me sad the past two days, but I am so thankful I had that dream. It was beautiful. It was wonderful. He still loves me and he watches over me everyday. I am blessed to have an angel constantly at my side. I'm pretty sure Jack knows his daddy is always with us because he tells me all the time that his daddy is here, but I needed the reminder, and I am so thankful it was in the form of a beautiful, wonderful dream.

When The Darkness Returns

A run down of what has been going on...

Ben got baptized, I went to a fabulous LDS widow/widower conference in March that helped me tremendously, I went on some dates (yeah, that is a long blog for another day!), I started school, I have continued with my exercising and healthy eating quest and lost 30 lbs, Sam celebrated his 10th birthday, I got accepted into the social work program at Weber State, we celebrated one of the hardest holidays "Father's Day", and today is my would be 16th wedding anniversary.

I was doing great. I was having fun. I was feeling motivated. Then, it went away. And so the roller coaster continues!

Life is definitely an uphill battle. I know we all feel it and all have our individual struggles. Some people have very apparent and visible struggles like the loss of a loved one, health problems, or marital problems. Others have inward struggles with depression or anxiety or a number of other mental illnesses. Life is hard! Life is most the time unfair. So how do we get through this hard, unfair life we are all living?

I ask myself that question all the time. Last week I felt like I was in a very dark place again. I had been struggling with the stress of school, parenting a hard child all alone, missing Jonas, and just life in general. I slowly felt myself slipping back into darkness. That is the only way I can describe it. When you are happy you feel joy and light in your life. When you are sad and depressed you feel darkness. It is a horrible place to be. I did not want to get out of bed. I didn't care about anything and just wanted to sleep. That is another thing with depression, you are SO tired. It's the kind of tired you feel when you have been really sick. Every inch of your body is tired. Your mind is tired. You don't want to do anything but sleep. If you have felt the effects of depression you know what I mean. If you are feeling this type of depression right now, seek help! I knew I couldn't do it on my own. It was not possible. I spent some time writing down all the things going on in my head. Writing is so therapeutic for me. I talked to a really good friend that I knew could help me and I prayed. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I know without a doubt, the only way I was able to be pulled from that darkness was with the hand of God. He loves all of us so much. He is waiting for us to ask for help. He is ALWAYS there for us. How easily I forget Him when things are going good. How easily he forgives me when I need His help again. I hope to remember Him even in my good times so that He will always know how grateful I am for Him and His love for me and my children. 

Although I am still feeling a little blue and really missing Joe today on our wedding anniversary, the darkness has definitely been lifted. I am going to once again keep pushing forward and hope my motivation and joy returns in full force really soon. I need it to...school is tough! :)

I have been taking my boys hiking with me. I love it. 

They like it for awhile...until they are hot and tired!

Summer haircuts! I didn't recognize Jack for a few days,
I kept thinking it was Ben.  Jack has never had short hair!
They are so handsome!

My handsome Ben on his baptism day

Pushing Forward

Its been hard finding a desire to blog lately. I don't know why. Maybe I am finding I don't need the outlet as much as I used to or maybe I just don't make the time for it like I should. I thought a lot about doing a post for the second year anniversary which was February 22nd, but as you can see that did not happen. I still ask myself at times, "is this really my life?" "Did this really happen?" "Is Jonas really gone?" Maybe I will always ask those questions because honestly, it still doesn't feel real. I am still trying to find my new normal and still trying to accept my new life.

I have however, found something that is bringing me much joy. (Yes, I used the word joy.) I am exercising regularly again and I am loving it. Back in the days before kids I would exercise regularly and I really enjoyed it. But then, kids came, husband got sick, exercise got put away, and the thought of it did not sound fun at all. Even when I was training for my half marathon last spring I was not finding as much joy in exercise as I do now. Probably because I was doing it alone. I look forward to my class every morning and have met some really fun people there. Both Jack and I get excited to go see our friends everyday. He has made some friends in the daycare and loves going to see them. 

I have also moved forward with pursuing my education. I got accepted to Weber State University and will start classes this summer. I am so excited to be in school again! I was originally going to start in the fall but am anxious to get going. I am actually looking forward to homework. I'll let you know how long that lasts once it starts. :) 

We have adopted a new motto in our home. "I can do hard things." I make my kids say it whenever they want to give up on something. I make myself say it on a daily basis. Because life is hard. But you can't give up. "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand" -Randy Pausch

I have been blessed to have amazing, inspiring people in my life. I couldn't get through this trial without them. I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven that helps me every step of the way. I am reading a great book right now called 'The Continuous Atonement' by Brad Wilcox. There are so many great thoughts in there. One of my favorites so far is, "When we are tempted to give up, we must remember God is long suffering, change is a process, and repentance is a pattern in our lives." 

I am trying to be happy. I am trying to move forward. Some days I can do it, some days I have to be carried by others. I am so thankful to everyone that helps carry me.

Finding Brittney

As most of you know, I was married very young. I was the ripe ol' age of 19 when I became Mrs. Webster. I started dating Jonas when I was 16, he went on a LDS mission when I was in high school and he returned home three months after I graduated. We started dating again and we got married a year later. I would like to think that I was wise beyond my years and that I had had many opportunities in life for growth and development of my talents and therefore I knew when I was 19 that I had learned enough in life to make the important decision about marriage. Yes, I would like to think I was that wise, but we all know I wasn't. 

Hindsight is an annoying thing that sends my unfocused mind into turmoil on some days. In hindsight, (pre Feb. 22, 2011) I would often tell people that I had regrets about not finishing school before I got married and that finishing school first would have been the smart thing to do. Jonas would often agree with that since he was in school pretty much our entire marriage. Then, in hindsight, (post Feb. 22, 2011) I no longer had regrets of getting married when I was 19 before I finished school because that meant I was able to spend 14 years as Mrs. Webster. If we had waited we would have had much less time together. Now, in hindsight, (almost 2 years past Feb. 22, 2011) I am starting to realize that pretty much dating just one person and then marrying that person when I was 19 did not give me the chance to figure out who Brittney is/was. I did go to college and get my Associates degree at SLCC, but I was pregnant with Sam and a few weeks away from my due date when I graduated so that put an end to pursuing anything beyond that. So now that I am no longer "Mrs" Webster and I didn't have time to figure out who I was before I became Mrs. Webster I have no idea who Brittney is! What an awful horrible thought that at the age of 34....35 in a few weeks....that I don't know who I am! Seriously. Not only have I lost my spouse but I really feel like I have lost my identity. My other half is gone and he took the person I thought I was with him. Pretty stinky huh.

So what do you do when you feel like you don't know who you are anymore? Well, for one thing I cry about it a lot. Nope, not productive at all, but having pity parties for yourself sometimes makes you feel better. For awhile anyways. The last month or so I have had some serious thoughts about returning to school. Something I couldn't even bring myself to say the first year after Jonas died, but now it crosses my mind quite often. But then I start to second guess everything and my brain turns into a hurricane of thoughts that seriously make me feel crazy. At this point I really don't know if I should go back to school...I have so many things to figure out still....but, I kind of like the thought of having the chance to develop a skill that would allow me to do something I enjoy once my kids are all in school. Who knows.....maybe I would like this "new" Brittney that I didn't know was there. :)

Thankful

I have been worried lately about how unthankful my children seem to be. It's a lot of pressure trying to raise these three (wild) boys on my own. I desperately want them to be gracious, thankful, kind, courteous, hard working and pretty much perfect human beings. Oh, alright, they don't need to be perfect. Just almost. ;)

I decided I better get my act together and set a good example for my kids and let them know how many things I am grateful for.

I am so incredibly thankful for my boys. I know I have said this a million times, but I could not get through each day without them. Each of them has had their turn at "carrying" me on hard days. Whether it be a hand written note laying on my bed, a hug, an "I love you mom", or all three of them coming to sleep with me during the night. They have all done small acts of kindness on a particularly hard day that has carried me through. I love each one of them so much. They are truly three of my greatest blessings.

I am blessed and thankful to have an amazing family. They also make it possible for me to get through my hard days. What a tender mercy it was that we moved back to West Bountiful only one mile from my parent's house. There is not a day that goes by that I am not thankful that I live so close to my family. I think they are pretty awesome. How lucky I am to have three sisters! I don't think any of us could make it through the week without each other. We count on each other way too much to be apart for very long. I really do have the best mom and dad in the world. I love them with all my heart. They are kind and unselfish and spend most of their time doing things for their kids and grandkids! I think they are pretty near perfect people.

I am blessed and thankful to have wonderful in-laws! I know there are so many people that struggle with the "dreaded in-laws" but, I couldn't be more thrilled to be part of the Webster family. When I married Jonas I gained another mom and dad, 2 sisters, and 2 brothers. Love that family! I am so thankful Joe has a brother that my kids can look up to. Their uncle Ty is the closest link they have to their daddy. I hope they will always stay close to him. Sadly, Ty has been left with the huge responsibility of being the "dad" figure to 5 nephews and 1 niece! Joe's sister's husband died in 2002 leaving her with three children. Kathy and Denny will have 9 grandchildren in March of 2013 and only three of them will have their daddy here on earth. So so sad. I adore my sister-in-laws, Melissa and Mandi. We have so much fun together. I wish it could be more often but, I cherish the times we get to be together. I know Jonas dearly loved his parents and held them on a high pedestal. He always spoke kindly about them and was always so grateful for them. I am blessed to call them my family. I miss Melissa's husband Jesse and am so thankful I knew him. You were a better person for knowing Jesse.

I am so thankful for my nieces and nephews! Just thinking about them makes me happy! I love each one of them so much. Joe's sister has Jordan, Davin, and Briauna. Joe's brother has Mayci, Jayden, and baby girl on the way. My sister Heidi has Chloe, Ella, and Cole. My sister Katie has Kaleb and Karson. My sister Sandy has Jayci and baby girl on the way. Each one of those kids has a special place in my heart. I am also so grateful for my brother-in-laws. The way they take time to include my boys in their outings with their kids, the way they play with them and teach them things. I hope they know how much I appreciate that and how much it means to me. You are good good men.

I live in a really good neighborhood. I know I was meant to live here in this particular area because of the good people I am surrounded by everyday. I love my friends and neighbors and am so grateful for all of them. I have friends that I grew up with that still check up on me and keep me happy. What would us girls do without our girls nights out?!?

I have a group of widow friends that mean the world to me. I think about the way we met at an LDS Widows Conference in March 2012 and I know it was meant to be. We need each other. We really couldn't do this without each other. Love, love, love my widow widows. :) There are 26 kids between us ranging in ages 19 to 4. Lots of little ones without their daddy's but, we all know how blessed we are to have these children in our lives.

I am of course, so thankful and grateful for my wonderful husband. He worked so hard for us. Everything he did was to make a better life for us. He had a tender heart that I got to see each time he was with his boys. He loves them so dearly. I know it's probably so hard for him to not be physically here with them but, what an amazing blessing they get to have their daddy with them everyday everywhere they go.

I am grateful for my religion and that I believe what I do. I am thankful it gives me hope everyday that I will see Jonas again. That we will be a family for eternity. Hope and faith are what give me my greatest strength.

DON'T YOU GIVE UP.

DON'T YOU QUIT.

You keep walking.

You keep trying.

There is help and happiness ahead...

It will be all right in the end.

Trust God

and believe in 

good things to come.

-Jeffery R. Holland-

Playin' Catch Up

I feel like I spend almost every day of my life playing catch up. Catching up on laundry, dishes, and house cleaning. Catching up on homework, lessons, and paying bills. Catching up on reading, sleeping, and writing on my blog. Catching up on PTA responsibilities, church responsibilities, and just plain life! Several months ago, I realized (or more like accepted), the fact that most of these things will never be officially "caught up" on. There will always be more laundry, more dishes, more bills to pay, more homework, etc. So I have been trying to think of all my responsibilities as something that needs to be done on a daily basis. I will NEVER be caught up on my to do list. BUT, the problem comes when I go more than a day or two without working on my to do list. If I miss doing laundry for more than a few days we will be in need of socks or underwear in the morning and I will be frantically looking for a clean pair for my boys to wear to school that day. Or, if I miss doing my dishes at night (which, honestly, that happens pretty much every night) Then I have to wake up to sink full of dirty dishes and that never starts my morning off good. Or, if I slack off on doing my PTA or church responsibilities I will be up late the night before its due getting it done. So, as with everything else in life, it's about finding that wonderful thing we call "balance". In my case, balance between accepting that I will never be caught up on my to do list and actually working on my to do list in a timely manner so that I can function without feeling too much stress. Yes, "balance" could very well be the key to a happy, productive, stress free life. :) Too bad I have such a hard time finding it! So, on with my catch up...err....weekly responsibility....

On August 25th I ran/walked the Top of Utah half marathon. It was a good experience and I am so glad I had two dear friends with me to help push me along. It was really hard! I have never been so sore in my entire life! Thinking about the three or four days after the marathon makes me cringe. I remember slowly and painfully getting out of bed the next morning and staring down at my stairs. I did not know how I would get down them. I finally just had to walk down backwards. Every move I made hurt and yet, I am still putting it in the "good" experience category. It was a beautiful run and I was really proud of myself for finishing. I would have liked to be faster and not pushing myself the last mile to stay ahead of the 70+ year old granny that was keeping pace with me, but I did cross before her...maybe by a minute or two. If you can envision a tanned leathery skinned 70+ year old lady, running in a cute little white jogging skirt with a matching tank top and sun visor and me trying to pass her and stay ahead of her the last mile I am sure you will give yourself a laugh. I make myself laugh thinking of it now. That granny was tough! My hat goes off to her and how in shape she still is. She is amazing. Maybe I said I would run it again next year or maybe I now realize how hard it really was and am not sure if I can do it again. Time will tell. :) I honestly have the greatest family. They treated me like I had just raced and won a full marathon. I got hand made pictures from my boys and nieces when I got home. Ben had picked some vegetables from my sisters garden and they were sitting on a note that said, "you deserve this". It was so sweet! The picture Sam drew for me had me winning the race and my legs were running REALLY  fast.  All their drawings were so sweet. Then they thought I needed a party so we went to my mom's for a BBQ and I was the "guest of honor". My sister had decorated the driveway with chalk saying they were proud of me. They even gave me a little gift. Seriously! They treat me like royalty. I love them so much!

On September 4th school started and I now have three kids in school! Sam is in 4th grade, Ben is in 2nd grade, and Jack is in preschool. Could they be any cuter! Sure do love my boys!

On September 19th my baby boy turned four! He is such a blessing in my life. He makes me smile and laugh every day and I know I could not get through this time in my life without him. The morning of his birthday he said to me in an excited voice, "mom! I had a dream bout daddy!" I asked him what daddy was doing in the dream and Jack said he was just there. Jack then said that his daddy missed him. I said, "he must have come to tell you happy birthday" and Jack said, "marbee" (Jack's word for probably) and then ran off to play. It touched my heart that he was able to remember that dream on such a special day. Jack loves anything his brothers love. He adores Sam and Ben and wants to do everything they do. Jack is already really good at xbox (thanks to Sam) and really good at building legos (thanks to Ben). He loves riding his bike, jumping on the trampoline, playing with his cousins, and drinking milk. Milk is by far his favorite food. (Yes, Jack thinks it qualifies as breakfast, lunch, and dinner). I really do try and limit his intake of milk but it makes him so happy. I had told him when he turns four he couldn't have milk in a sippy cup anymore. Well, since turning four I have yet to enforce the rule, so when he is drinking milk he says, "oops mom, I am four now" and goes back to drinking his milk. When there are many worse things than drinking milk out of a sippy cup I think I will save this fight/struggle for a bit longer. He loves Tom & Jerry, George, Scooby Doo, Mickey Mouse Club House & Little Einsteins. Besides milk, he likes toast, pizza, spaghetti, mac n cheese, and hotdogs. He loves treasure boxes and keys and is really good at coloring and drawing. He has the best facial expressions and brings our family so much joy.

On September 29th we headed to Disneyland! We drove there with my mom and dad. My dad did the driving and I got to hang out in the back with my boys. I spent the first couple of hours reading books to Jack. He LOVES being read to and never seems to tire of it.  When we got to Provo Jack said, "this is taking long". I just continued reading to him and he seemed to forget how long it was taking. We spent the first night in Las Vegas and they were of course really excited to swim. The next day we made it to Anaheim and went to the beach. I love the ocean. It reminds me of Jonas. He would have loved playing with his boys in the ocean. All three of them were loving the waves. Jack would get knocked over by a huge wave and jump up and say, "that was awesome!" Ben and Jack had a great time collecting seashells and Sam pretty much never left the waves. We had a really fun time there.

Papa and Sam

My boys have a very special papa. He loves to play with them!

On Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday we were in Disneyland and California Adventure. It was a little on the hot side. I'm talking like 97 degrees and very humid! Starting at 9AM I could feel the sweat rolling down my back. Gotta love that California weather. It was also really busy because of the new Cars Land opening (which is absolutely amazing) and Mickey's Halloween Party on Tuesday night. We didn't pick the most ideal week to go, (that rarely happens) but we still had a lot of fun and made some great memories. Jack was my first child to agree to wait in the princess line with me. We waited for 35 minutes for Cinderella, Snow White, and Aurora. When we got through the line three more princesses came out (Tiana, Belle, and Ariel) and Jack ran back in line and said "more princesses mom!" So we waited in line for another 35 minutes. Every princess we went up to Jack pretended to faint and layed down on the ground with his tongue sticking out. He gets very silly and goofy around pretty girls. :) Jonas would be proud! Sam and Ben were so brave this year! They tried so many rides that they were too scared to go on in 2011. It was so much fun going on big rides with them and it really made me miss Jonas. He would have loved to be there with us and experience Sam and Ben being brave.

 My boys are sure lucky to have their Grammie!

This was the last day...they were hot and tired,
 but Jack was still able to pull a goofy face for the picture

 Jack gave a big hug to every character he saw

 My sister in law Melissa and her kids moved to California in July. We were so excited they were able to spend a day with us in Disneyland! We sure miss them!

 Jack being goofy with the pretty princesses

Coming home from vacations always brings a big emotional crash for me. I really hate coming back to reality. Reality is hard. I can totally understand and empathize with those who run from reality. It would be so much easier! So, to put it mildly, I had a melt down late Saturday night and pretty much cried all day Sunday. I still miss Jonas so much and desperately want to touch and hold him again. The more time that passes the more sad I become for my boys. They are missing out on so much by not having their dad here with them. So many special memories were supposed to be made with their dad during their childhood. Let alone those teenage years where they would be so much more comfortable talking to their dad about things. I continue to try and be positive for them though and pray every day that they will be happy and remember the good times they had with their dad. I know he is with them spiritually and I hope and pray they will be able to feel his presence. We miss you Joe!

Love my mom and dad so much!

My three greatest blessings

My Avengers! Go get em' boys!