Life and Death

I often wonder what my husband is doing on the other side. Is he busy? Is he happy? Does he miss us? Does time move as slow for him and it does for me? Does he see me crying for him? Is he watching his boys grow up? Does he see the look on their faces when they are missing their daddy? Did he come to Sam's 9th birthday party? I feel like he was there with us...was that just me wishing it so desperately that I feel like he was? So many questions! So many questions with no answers. The only answer we get to have is one of faith. Faith that he is there on the other side waiting for me, faith that he is with us and watches over us, faith that he is happy and that we will be happy together again. Faith is not an easy thing. But when it's the only thing I get, I am going to cling to it. Cling to it with all my might. I need to have faith that he is with me....otherwise I would not be able to get through each day. When big events happen....birthdays...anniversaries...I miss him so desperately. I want to be able to share those milestones with him. I tend to get very depressed and have a hard time climbing back out of my dark hole. The month of June was especially hard and I have been missing him with every ounce of my soul. I just want to touch him. I want to feel his arms around me. I want him to hold me and never let go. I want to hold his hand and kiss his lips. Gosh! I miss him! My heart and soul ache for him. Some of the things that I didn't get to share with Jonas during the month of June were... (and I mean I didn't get to share physically, not spiritually....because he probably was there.)


May 30th. The birth of my sweet nephew. Karson Glen Wood. My sister Katie and her husband Kyle invited me to be in the room for the birth of Karson. It was amazing. Truly miraculous. Seeing Karson come into the world was so tender and beautiful. My sister wanted me there because she said she really felt like Joe was the last person Karson was with before he came to earth. She feels like Joe was holding his hand before he came to be with us. I held Karson's hand right after he was born. I hope it was the hand Joe had been holding!

June 15th. Sam's 9th birthday. I can't believe I have such a grown up son! He is handsome and charming. Tender and sweet...mixed in with a little ferociousness! He is my tender heart that cares about every living creature. He loves to play make believe and has an awesome imagination. He has the best smile and gives great hugs! He likes the role of being the protector of his two younger brothers (when he isn't teasing them!) He loves the UTES (just like his daddy) so naturally his favorite color is red. He loves to play xbox and jump on the trampoline. He is a great swimmer and an awesome soccer player. I am so blessed to have him as my son!

 It was so much fun watching Sam open his presents. He LOVED every single one of them and was so animated and excited about everything he got. He made all of us feel like it was our birthday too.

June 17th. Father's Day. Yeah, that is a hard day. Not really much to talk about. It was sad...


June 26th. Our 15th wedding anniversary. My second one spent without Jonas. I spent the morning at the temple with two of my dear widow friends. I am so blessed to have them in my life. Hard days are more bearable with them. We went to lunch after and had a great time chatting the afternoon away. I took three of the most handsome boys ever to dinner with me later that evening. We went to Texas Roadhouse and they loved it! Ben loves loves steak and when he took a bite of his steak at dinner that night he pretended to pass out because it was so good. He is so funny! We came home and watched cartoon episodes of Avengers and ate popcorn and icecream. Since I didn't get to spend the day with Joe, I am so glad I got to spend it with my boys. I sure love them! This anniversary was going to be an extra special one. Joe and I had been talking about taking a trip for our 15th anniversary. We were going to go to Washington DC. I kind of feel jipped! Anyone want to take me?? ;) 


June 20th-24th. Our annual trip to the Homestead in Midway. We eat, swim, play games, watch movies, swim some more, and eat lots more! It's great! The kids love it and the parents are exhausted by Sunday. Good times, but always missing Joe.

It's a good thing my boys have uncles that are willing to throw them in the air and wrestle in the water with them. I sure can't do it...believe me....I tried! They are heavy! 

We have also been to the Taylorsville Dayz parade with the Webster's, fireworks at West Bountiful park, a BBQ and fireworks with friends, and many other summer activities. All without Joe. Or maybe he was there... I sure wish I could see him though! So as we go through our daily lives, living and moving forward, we are still missing Joe and wishing he was here with us. Lucky for us, even in death, he IS here. I just have to hold onto the faith and knowledge that I know we will see him again. Even if it is a really really long time away.