As most of you know, I was married very young. I was the ripe ol' age of 19 when I became Mrs. Webster. I started dating Jonas when I was 16, he went on a LDS mission when I was in high school and he returned home three months after I graduated. We started dating again and we got married a year later. I would like to think that I was wise beyond my years and that I had had many opportunities in life for growth and development of my talents and therefore I knew when I was 19 that I had learned enough in life to make the important decision about marriage. Yes, I would like to think I was that wise, but we all know I wasn't.
Hindsight is an annoying thing that sends my unfocused mind into turmoil on some days. In hindsight, (pre Feb. 22, 2011) I would often tell people that I had regrets about not finishing school before I got married and that finishing school first would have been the smart thing to do. Jonas would often agree with that since he was in school pretty much our entire marriage. Then, in hindsight, (post Feb. 22, 2011) I no longer had regrets of getting married when I was 19 before I finished school because that meant I was able to spend 14 years as Mrs. Webster. If we had waited we would have had much less time together. Now, in hindsight, (almost 2 years past Feb. 22, 2011) I am starting to realize that pretty much dating just one person and then marrying that person when I was 19 did not give me the chance to figure out who Brittney is/was. I did go to college and get my Associates degree at SLCC, but I was pregnant with Sam and a few weeks away from my due date when I graduated so that put an end to pursuing anything beyond that. So now that I am no longer "Mrs" Webster and I didn't have time to figure out who I was before I became Mrs. Webster I have no idea who Brittney is! What an awful horrible thought that at the age of 34....35 in a few weeks....that I don't know who I am! Seriously. Not only have I lost my spouse but I really feel like I have lost my identity. My other half is gone and he took the person I thought I was with him. Pretty stinky huh.
So what do you do when you feel like you don't know who you are anymore? Well, for one thing I cry about it a lot. Nope, not productive at all, but having pity parties for yourself sometimes makes you feel better. For awhile anyways. The last month or so I have had some serious thoughts about returning to school. Something I couldn't even bring myself to say the first year after Jonas died, but now it crosses my mind quite often. But then I start to second guess everything and my brain turns into a hurricane of thoughts that seriously make me feel crazy. At this point I really don't know if I should go back to school...I have so many things to figure out still....but, I kind of like the thought of having the chance to develop a skill that would allow me to do something I enjoy once my kids are all in school. Who knows.....maybe I would like this "new" Brittney that I didn't know was there. :)
7 comments:
Brittney, I love your blog! I can totally see in your circumstance how you would have a hard time really knowing yourself. I actually think its kind of a common problem for those who marry young. I met my husband and started dating him when I was 17 so I have a hard time remembering my life without him. I really think you should go back to school if you think you would enjoy it! I have taken a couple of classes and am amazed how much I enjoy having a life outside of my home. I always love to come back, but it has really given me some self esteem and sense of identity. I admire the love you had with your husband and I think you are superwoman for pressing forward with your boys in spite of your sadness. I miss you being at learning circle too!
Do it Brit! I think it would be so smart, and it would be great for you to have that education to use when all your boys are in school all day. I think they would be really proud of you, as would Joe.
You are so amazing! I have always thought you would go back to school one day. You will know when the time is right for you to do that. Joe will be right by your side, cheering you on. We all miss his 'smartness' and his beautiful smile! I love you so much!
That is so great! I too, would love to go back to school. I got married young like you. :) You are so inspirational Brit!
Wow Brit, I loved reading this. I think you should seriously consider the school thing. Maybe just taking a couple classes to try it out. I'm sending you a message on facebook about the identity thing. You're amazing lady hang in there.
School!? Are you crazy!? I hate school!!! :-)
What a perfect thing for you to consider.... I feel Jonas is pressing you on to do it! Oh how he loved school and embraced the importance of it. He will be by your side 24/7 .... Love and admire you so much Brit!
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