Ramblings of my life........take 2

BLANK. I feel blank. I feel empty. I feel rage. I feel deep depression. I feel stress.........All within a 5 minute period! Feeling this many emotions is exhausting. I have so many things spinning in my head at ALL times that I can barely focus on one thing. I have so many things I want to blog about I don't even know where to start........BLANK. I feel blank again. I am going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

Ramblings of my life.....take 1

This is our trip to Yellowstone in July 2010

I decided I would finally start blogging again. I pretty much figured since I don't do anything productive anymore I should at least start blogging. Maybe this will help me get out of this rut I can't seem (nor want) to dig myself out of.

I definitely have good days and bad days. Well, not really 'good' days, but better days. This entire week can be labeled as 'bad' though. I think it started on Monday when I noticed the social security money in my bank account. I should be happy with that....right? I will definitely need the money to pay bills.....but I was not happy. I was sad. Seeing the money in my account made me cry. It was a big statement to me that said. "YOUR HUSBAND IS DEAD. HERE IS YOUR MONEY." I wish so desperately that I didn't need to use the money. I wish I could hide it all away and save it for my kids for college. I don't want it.

This week I also finalized the way I wanted Joe's headstone to look. It took me several weeks to figure it out. I am really pleased with the way it will look. But still.....its such an awful thing picking out your husbands headstone. I just shouldn't be doing this. It is all wrong.

Yesterday in the mail, I received the medical records I requested. It was harder than I thought reading through the tests and procedures they did the last day Jonas was alive. Seeing the date Feb. 22, 2011 feels like I am getting punched in the stomach every time. I really really hate hate hate hate hate that day. Did I mention I hate that day?

To top off the week our pet bearded dragon swallowed a doll shoe.....yup.....a doll shoe. One might wonder why a house full of boys would have a doll shoe in it in the first place? I think Jack brought it home from the neighbors, (who happen to be girls, who happen to own doll shoes). So I called the vet to see what to do. I was told: "it needs to be removed or the bearded dragon will die." So, we drove to an exotic pet vet (yes, you read that right) out in Sandy to see if they could remove it. They tried to pull it out by sticking some sort of thing down his throat. It was unsuccessful. When we got home I talked to another exotic pet vet and he has removed items from bearded dragons before by surgically removing them. Yes, cutting him open. My bearded dragon needs an operation!! This is crazy. I informed Sam that something like this will cost way too much money (and it really does) and that he could just get a new pet.

Sam broke down crying. Hysterically crying. His body hunched over and he was sobbing. He doesn't want a new pet. He wants the one he has now. My response...."don't cry Sam. I will take him to the vet. He will make him all better." I just could not bear seeing Sam cry like that. I watched him cry like that the day I told him his dad died. At another time in our life I would not be spending this much money to save a bearded dragons life. But today I am. And if it makes Sam smile, then I am ok with it. For today. At least I can have some control over making my kids smile. One day, I hope I can find my smile again.

Happy Birthday Ben!

Today is March 14, 2010....right?!? Because thats when Ben's birthday was and there is no way I could be a month late in posting about such a special day. So for my sake, today is March 14th and Ben turned 5 today!

I can't believe Ben turned 5 and will be starting kindergarten in the fall. Ben was 10 months old when we moved into our house. Where has the time gone? It is so true that the older you get the faster time goes.

Ben had two parties this year. Ben was sick the two days before his birthday, so on his actual birthday we had to cancel the dinner that was planned with the entire family and just the grandparents came over for cake and icecream. We didn't want to risk getting any of the cousins sick, but Ben was sure disappointed. But of course, the highlight of the night was Ben getting to light his own birthday candles. Ben has quite the fascination with matches. I keep hoping he will continue to listen to me when I say, "If you ever find matches, bring them to me and I will let you light them while I watch." Luckily, he hasn't figured out my hiding spots yet.

He got to have a friend birthday party on Tuesday and I took them to Kangaroo Zoo. They all loved it! We came back to our house and had pizza and cake. It was a really fun day.

Here are some special things about Ben:

Ben is such a good brother. He plays with Sam and Jack all the time and although he LOVES to tease he does play very nicely with his brothers. I am just waiting for the nice days to outweigh the teasing days! But we sure love him!

Ben is such a creative boy. He loves to build machines out of toys. He gathers toys into a pile and makes it into a machine. He will tell you where the engine is, where the starter motor is, where the smoke and fire come out to give it lots of power, and anything else you need to know about his machine. Every toy has a purpose.

Ben is the world's best playstation buddy for Sam. Ben loves to watch Sam play games on the playstation. He will sit and watch Sam for an hour and not ask to play once. Sam loves it when people watch him. I'm sure Sam doesn't realize how lucky he is to have Ben just sitting and watching him play. I don't know how much longer that will last though!

Happy Birthday Ben! We LOVE you!

Disneyland 2010!

Yes, it has been way too long since I have blogged. I can blame it on being in charge of the PTA fundraiser in September, October, and November....then the holidays are to blame after that. Then the New Year and getting ready to go to Disneyland on January 9th.....yup, it's not my fault I haven't been able to blog! ;)

But, I do finally have something really fabulous to blog about....Disneyland!! (Not that Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas aren't fabulous.....just ya know....there was no time!)

BUT....

I. LOVE. DISNEYLAND.

Truly, Truly, the Happiest Place on Earth.....well, and Sea World is right there with it, but we just did Disneyland this time and we had so much fun!

We drove to Vegas on Saturday and then into Anaheim on Sunday. We went to Disneyland Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.

Sam's favorite rides were Pirates of the Caribbean (he could have gone on that one all day) Toy Story in California Adventure and Buzz Light Year. He tried Matter Horn and DID NOT like it!

Ben's favorite rides were Pirates, Toy Story, and Buzz (Ben likes whatever Sam likes) although Ben did try some big rides like Matter Horn, Space Mountain, and Tower of Terror....he liked Matter Horn....we won't talk about the other two!

My favorite rides were Space Mountain and California Screamin. My favorite ride to go on with the kids was Toy Story. That is a GREAT ride!

Joe's favorite rides were Space Mountain and California Screamin.....he just told me that his most favorite though was the Scary Adventures of Snow White :)

Such strong MEN to protect the only female in the household!

Mom and her boys!

We went with my family and all the cousins had so much fun together. We are missing little Ella, she is asleep in the stroller you can see off to the side.

Now, I wish I could say that Ben always cooperated for pictures, but most of the time he DID NOT want his picture taken!

Dang....I just really wanted a picture with Micky and my boys, but Ben WOULD NOT cooperate and Jonas was in charge of bringing Jack to me so that he could be in the picture......obviously, the husband has a hard time cooperating too!

Tarzan's Tree House. Ella did not like this picture spot!

Kyle, Kaleb, and Katie

I realized after looking through my pictures that I didn't have any pictures of my other family members besides this one! Sorry Mom, Heidi, and Dan......I was not a good picture taker on this trip. I am sad I don't have more of all of you!

Grandpa and Ben

On Thursday we went to the beach before we headed home. I love the beach and so did the kids. We didn't expect to stay as long as we did, but they were having so much fun (I was too) that we couldn't bring ourselves to leave. Making that decision though, made it so we didn't get to St. George until 10:00 PM. That was NOT fun. AND we will never drive clear to St. George again, we will definitely be stopping in Vegas!

This was a great trip! I am looking forward to November when we get to go with the Webster family to Disneyland! I know.....how lucky is that! Two trips to Disneyland in one year! We just have to grow some more money and it will be a blast! ;)

My baby is ONE!

I cannot believe that my sweet little Jack is an official one year old! The year went by so fast. It feels like only a few months ago that he was my tiny newborn.....(sigh) I don't want him to grow up!!

We had our families over for a BBQ, cake, and icecream. It was a wild party!

Jack had a great time opening his presents and he especially enjoyed hanging out on his new couch and playing with all of his new toys!

After presents, we headed indoors for cake and icecream. Do you think he enjoyed himself!? It was such a fun night. I really think it was a perfect first birthday!

3 days old

2 months old

6 months old

9 months old

Almost one year old! Isn't he the cutest!?

Jack has been such a happy and pleasant baby. Starting at 4 months old he stopped being a good sleeper, but I am hoping that little "issue" will get resolved soon! Jack loves being outside and will pound on the sliding glass door several times a day so he can go out. Tonight Jack was pounding on the door and Gus was scratching on the door....they both wanted OUT!! Some of his favorite things are balls, phones, blankets (especially his little blankets), his stuffed tiger and stuffed bear, and our dog Gus. Gus is very good with Jack and lets Jack pat him and play with him. Gus and Jack like to share chew toys, dog food, and dog water. They are best friends. He also likes to eat EVERYTHING he sees on the floor or cement, including potato bugs, dirt, rocks, grass, sand, and anything else he spots! He also ADORES his big brothers and is always wanting to be where they are to watch (and destroy) what they are playing or building. Jack is a JOY to have in our family and we all love him so much! Happy Birthday my angel baby!

A weekend with the family and a Moose!

We LOVE going to the cabin with the Webster clan! We always have a blast and the boys love every minute we are there. I realized when I got home I didn't take very many pictures with my camera. I was so mad at myself! I think I was too busy taking pictures with Kathy's AWESOME camera! (Honey.....I want one for Christmas!) But I did get a picture of our little visitor.

It was about 8:30 on Saturday morning and Ben went outside to play on the swings. He quickly ran back in and said, "Mom, I saw a deer!" So I went outside and couldn't believe a momma moose and her baby were having breakfast right behind our cabin!

Soon the baby got tired of eating and decided to take a rest right in front of the steps that lead to the front door. This is a picture of Sam looking out the bathroom window. The momma is standing guard just to the right of her baby.

The baby decided to go rest up the hill a little ways, so the momma looked around and decided she would take a rest too! Denny had just pulled up in his truck after taking a drive and was standing at the bottom of the steps waiting for the moose to leave. Well she had other plans!

Denny ended up climbing the balcony to get to the front door. He said he didn't want to mess with a momma moose (probably a wise choice!) Sam and Ben thought it was really cool at first, but then all they wanted to do was go play on the swing set. So the "coolness" of watching the two moose wore off and Ben kept saying he was going to go scare the moose so they would go away. (Leave it to Ben!) The moose were probably there for an hour to an hour and a half. I thought it was great! I love watching wild animals. They are such amazing creatures.

Jonas and I drove to Smith and Morehouse Reservoir (which is only about a 10 minute drive) with our boys and Davin. They had a fun time throwing rocks into the lake. We all had a rock throwing contest and Davin won! That kid has got an arm on him! At the age of 9 he is already an awesome football player. Sam and Ben really wanted to fish at the lake but we forgot the fishing poles. It was a HUGE bummer because Sam and Ben are ALWAYS asking to go fishing. But they didn't seem to mind because they had so much fun doing other things. They had nonstop fun with their cousins and we enjoyed every minute with all of the family. I was so glad that everyone was able to make it up. We can't wait to go back again!

First Day of School

I cannot believe Sam is in 1st grade! Monday was a short day, so I didn't realize until Tuesday how long it would take for 3:25 to roll around! I missed him so much! I watched the clock all day and kept wondering what he was doing and if he was ok. Ben kept saying that Sam was taking long and I agreed. I was most worried about lunch and if he would be able to do everything, but he came home and said he ate Macaroni and Cheese and that it was yummy, so I guess it was a success! He did say school was fun but that it was long and there were no fun toys there. I am sure he will adjust to the new schedule and the "no toys" like in Kindergarten, but I still worry about how he is doing every day! I hope he makes GOOD friends and GOOD choices while he is in school. Friends are everything when it comes to the school years and I just hope and pray Sam will be influenced for the good! I sure love you Sam and I miss you like crazy when you are gone!

My handsome 1st grader!

Sam and Drew eating donuts from the Primary presidency before the bus comes

Off to school!

Sam acted embarrassed when I took this so I didn't take anymore (although I really wanted to!) He is so cute!

Ben started school on Wednesday and this year we had a tear free first day! He was so excited to go and he just marched right into class like an old time pro. He is so fun to chat with after school. He tells me all about his day and I love it! I have to PRY information out of Sam and I am never very successful with getting much, so it is fun to hear from Ben what he was doing at school. I am so glad he is enjoying preschool this year. He cried every day until after Christmas last year and it was so hard! He is growing up too and is such a handsome little guy!

I was a bad mom and forgot to bring my camera when I picked Ben up on the first day, but I will get some next week and redeem myself! So another year is beginning and we can only hope for the best...Good luck Sam and Ben!