Warning! It's A Pity Party!

Ever since Joe's angel day I have really struggled to be happy and wanting to do much of anything. I wish it weren't so easy to slip into this "I don't care about anything" mode. I get tired of being there and I don't want to be there, but it is really really hard to snap out of it! 


The last several weeks I have found myself feeling more anger. Anger about the weekend showing up every 7 days...I no longer look forward to weekends. I dread them. I can handle the week pretty good with the rush of school and lessons, but the weekends are tough. I miss date night, I miss cuddling on the couch watching a movie, I miss Sunday dinners, I miss watching him play with our boys. Oh the list goes on and on!


I have been having more anger about my boys not having their dad around to teach them things. I see dads playing catch with their kids, teaching them to ride bikes, playing basketball, and just hanging out with their kids. Every time I see it my heart aches for my boys. Can I just scream to the world...this is so unfair! My boys need their dad! I feel like they won't be able to excel in so many activities because Joe isn't here to teach them and practice with them. Ben signed up for baseball and he is going to be so behind in his skill compared to the other kids that have their dad's to practice with. I tried pitching some balls to Sam the other day. I have always been terrible at sports and I did not become magically good when Jonas died. I am horrible! Batting practice didn't go very well or very long with mom not being able to throw a good pitch. Soccer season is starting soon and I wish Jonas were here to run drills with them. I wish he were here to take them camping, fishing, and mountain climbing this summer. Seriously. I could go on for hours about how unfair it is that my boys don't have their dad.


I have been angry that I have to do another year of birthday parties without Joe. It will be Ben's 7th birthday on Wednesday and I have decided that birthdays are probably harder for me than most holidays.  I get really depressed about not having Joe here to celebrate birthdays with us. He is missing out on so many things! 


I warned you. This is a pity party! 


But, I really have been trying to figure out what to do with all my anger. Obviously, it has built up and is now swelling in me. So what will I do with it all? Well, folks. I am going to run. I haven't been what you call a "runner" for almost 9 years now. I have tried running here and there over the years on my quest to loose weight, but never ran more than 2 miles. I just got so bored. So with some motivation from my dear friend Mandy I took the plunge and signed up for my first ever half marathon! I am taking my anger issues pretty seriously and am trying to put them to positive use. Maybe I have gone completely crazy because who signs up for a half marathon if you aren't even a seasoned runner? Well, crazy or not I am registered to run the Top of Utah half marathon on August 25th.  Wish me luck. This body of mine is going to need it! Hopefully, with me telling the blogging world about my quest, it will keep me motivated. I am going to need lots of it. Seriously? A half marathon?!

We Were Given A Gift...

One year ago today my life permanently changed. I no longer had my husband and the father of my children with me on earth. His broken body couldn't function here anymore and he went on with another chapter of life. The day Jonas died was the worst day of my life. It feels foggy, yet clear at the same time. I can't recall some things, but others will stay in my mind forever. Maybe one day I will be able to write about that day, but for now I still keep it hidden in my mind. Death was not a peaceful experience for me. It was horror and chaos. Jonas dying that day was not expected. Some people seem to think that I knew it was coming because of how sick he had been. I had thoughts that he might not make it for very many more months, especially after the doctors told us Jonas needed a liver transplant in order to survive.  I don't think I ever believed it. How could I accept the idea that my husband was going to die? To accept it would mean I was giving up hope. I never wanted to loose hope.

After that painful, horrible, rotten day, my boys and I had to figure out what our new normal was. Everything had changed and nothing seemed fair or right. I started seeing a counselor about a month after Jonas died. My mom was the one who suggested I go talk to someone and I will be forever grateful that I did. She helped me cope with some of the hardest days and nights I had ever experienced. Loosing someone you love and care for deeply brings an actual physical pain to your heart. I remember some nights crying and sobbing and actually feeling that pain. A broken heart is not a figure of speech. It feels exactly how it sounds. It hurts!

I had spent the last three months caring for Jonas. I was his nurse, his wife, his support, the mother of his children, and the one who had to be strong. I had to prepare his TPN every day, make sure I was home at certain times to give him his medications, figure out what to feed him, and be available in the evenings to hook him up to his IV antibiotics. It was exhausting and stressful, but I was so busy doing so many things I didn't notice. I didn't notice until I didn't have to do it anymore. One day I was everything to someone and the next day I was nothing. I was no longer needed. What was I going to do with all this time? I missed doing my job. I wanted to be a nurse and a wife again. I wanted Jonas back. I wanted all these things, but I couldn't have any of them. How could I possibly go on with life?

The answer was simple. My children. My three handsome boys. I am so lucky and blessed to be the mother of Sam, Ben, and Jack. God knew I would not be able to do this alone. He knew I needed three strong personalities to keep me jumping and busy everyday. God knew I would let myself wither away in bed if I could. I was sent these three amazing boys to help me. They are the reason I get up every morning and they are the reason I can still smile. They have no idea how much I need them. I hope they realize one day that they saved me.

During one of my sessions with my counselor I was talking about the time we spent at the Mayo Clinic in 2008. I was telling her that the doctors were calling him a medical mystery and that they were having a hard time knowing how to help him. I don't think I mentioned this in my medical history post, but one of the doctors told us that starving bodies will take nutrition out of every muscle and bone it can. The last place it takes nutrition from is your temples. Joe's temples had been sunk in at one of his appointments and when the doctor saw that he really didn't think he was going to make it. Of course, he didn't tell us that at the time, but only after Joe had started doing better. There were two doctors that had told us (after he was doing better) that they didn't think he was going make it and another doctor at the Mayo Hospital that said it was in God's hands. I am sure there were many more doctors that were thinking the same thing.

After I finished telling my counselor this she looked at me and said, "you were given a gift." I just looked at her not really understanding what she meant. "Heavenly Father knew you were not ready to let him go in 2008." I was thinking in my head...I am not ready in 2011 either! But as we sat and talked some more I started to realize that she was right. (Not that I was ready in 2011, but that we had been given a gift.) We were allowed to keep Jonas in our lives for a couple more years. Jonas was here for the birth of our third son, we were able to go on family vacations and family outings, we were able to have two more years to make memories. We had two more years to learn, grow, and become a stronger family. The strain on a marriage when someone is chronically ill is tough. The stress since mid 2007 was taking its toll on us and we had grown apart. By the summer of 2008 we were doing much better. We were finally able to work on "us" and had fallen in love all over again. It's very true that you have to continually work on your marriage to make it work. I think in every marriage there will be times when you grow apart, but you have to keep working on the "us" part so that you have the wonderful experience of falling in love again and again with your spouse.

Now, had I known the next two years were a gift I would have done things SO MUCH different, but, you know...we aren't supposed to go there. So I try not to. Things really were good between me and Joe. Better than good. They were as perfect as they could have been. We loved each other and we loved our children. Yes, I wish we would have had the "if I ever die" talk and I wish I would have video recorded him more often. I wish he would have had the chance to write letters to our boys and let them know how much he loves them and how proud he was of them. He loved being their daddy. I wished I would have known (or realized) that his time was almost gone and that I would have had a chance to tell him once more how much I love and appreciate him. But I try to remain grateful for the years I had with him. I try to stay positive for my boys so that they can have a happy childhood. I know I will see Jonas again and I dream about that awesome reunion we will have one day. We are so blessed to have a loving Heavenly Father. He blessed us with our Joe for two extra years. I will forever treasure the memories we made. When I am having one of those hard nights I will try and remember that because I am loved, I was given a gift.

Joe & Sam 2003

Joe & Ben 2005

Joe & Jack 2008

The Angels Who Welcomed Jonas Home

Sometimes late at night when I am at my lowest, one of the only things that comforts me is knowing that Jonas is not alone. He is surrounded by people who love him and by family members that he never had the chance to meet here on earth. What a glorious reunion he had!


 He was greeted by his brother-in-law, Jesse Person. Jesse married his high school sweet heart Melissa Webster when Jonas was on his mission. They married in October of 1995. Jesse was an amazing man. He was kind and thoughtful and one of the things I remember most about him is how respectful he was to everyone he met. He was such a gentleman! Maybe he learned that from getting through boot camp and becoming a United States Marine, but I am pretty sure Jesse was always that way! Everyone loved listening to Jesse's stories. He was so animated and he had the BEST laugh! I can still clearly hear that distinct "Jesse" laugh. It is unforgettable! We miss him so much. He was killed in a car accident on February 11, 2002. Ten years ago today. What a horrible time that was. I remember everything about that day and I sometimes wish I didn't. It was horrible. He left behind his beautiful wife Melissa and their two sons; Jordan, age 5 and Davin, a month away from turning 2. Melissa was 14 weeks pregnant with their daughter Briauna. Jonas and I named Ben after his uncle Jesse.....Benjamin Jesse Webster....we were both so proud to have Ben carry on that name. I imagine Jonas and Jesse are having a great time discussing history together and enjoying each other's company in the grand library I imagine there is in Heaven.

Jonas was also greeted by his Grandpa Fred Todd and Grandma Veryle Todd. They are Joe's mom's parents. Now, those two were a crack up! They were always saying the funniest things...even if it wasn't the most appropriate of a comment at the time....yeah, they just said it how it was. Tactful or not! But they were very caring and loving and were always so concerned about how each of their children and grandchildren were doing. Jonas and his Grandpa Todd enjoyed talking physics together. They were both very smart and had some long physics discussions together. I am so glad Jonas gets to be with his Grandma and Grandpa again. Now they can talk as long as they want about physics and I am not there rushing Joe out the door! (In my defense....have you ever sat in on a physics discussion?!?) :)

He was greeted by his Grandpa Byron Webster. Joe's Grandpa "Bud" helped us with so many projects over the years. He knew how to fix anything! He was always so kind and willing to help us. Jonas always looked forward to the times he spent with his Grandma and Grandpa Webster. Over the years, we had many BBQ's and holiday dinners with the Webster family and I always enjoyed the time we spent there. Bud died in November of 2010 just 3 months before Jonas. His funeral was the last time people saw Jonas before he got really sick. Bud left behind his sweet wife Alberta. We love her so much and we miss our Grandpa Bud!

Jonas was greeted by one of his best friends Ryan Furness. They went to school together, were on the Taylorsville swim team together, mountain climbed together, and had many good times together. I remember when we heard the news that Ryan was in the hospital. One day he got flu like symptoms and a few days later he was in the hospital and never came home. I remember going to the hospital to see him. He was in a coma and they didn't know what was wrong yet. Later they found cancer in his stomach, but I remember how sad his wife was. They had one young boy and I remember feeling so sad for her. It was a very hard time for Joe. Now Jonas and Ryan can climb, swim, and camp all they want. At least I hope they get to do that in Heaven!

I am so thankful for these wonderful angels that were there to greet Jonas. He also had cousins there, great-grandparents, my grandpa Leary, my uncle Denny and my uncle Al, and many more that I am not even aware of. Thank you so much for taking care of my Joe. Thank you for being there to welcome him home.

Last year at this time

Last year at this time Jonas was very sick. Last year at this time I still had a husband and my boys still had a daddy. Last year at this time I felt hope that Jonas would get better. He always did. Last year at this time I would have never in a million years thought I would become a widow at the age of 33.


Things change. Bad things happen. Even to a family that I thought was "exempt" from another death in the family since we lost Jesse, (Joe's brother in law) on Feb. 11, 2002. I was pretty naive to think that the Websters wouldn't have to face death again. But I suppose that's what I am good at. Being naive. 


Things have become hard again. The grief wave has crashed once again and I am having a hard time finding purpose in life and motivation to do much. I think what is really getting to me is that I have to start 2012 without Jonas. I will no longer be able to say "last year at this time" once February 22, 2012 comes. I don't want to start a new year without my husband. 


But...I will. The New Year will come and I will still be a widow raising three young boys. I will get up each day to take care of my handsome boys and hopefully find peace and motivation again. It's a good thing I have family to keep me moving. I know I couldn't do this without their love and support. It's a good thing I have Sam, Ben, and Jack. They are my world.

Last year at this time I had an eternal family. I am so thankful and grateful to know that I still do. I always will.

This is our "daddy" tree. All the ornaments on it represent Jonas. I had a fun time looking for ornaments that would fit on our tree. Some of them are Ute footballs, books, fishing, camping, angels, and computers. My family and Joe's family also contributed ornaments to the tree that represented Jonas to them. It is a special tree and I am already excited to add to it next year. When my boys have Christmas trees of their own they will be able to have the ornaments from their "daddy's tree". That thought makes me smile.

Our growing list of firsts

It has been nine months of firsts. First birthdays, first anniversary, first summer, first Halloween, first report cards, first lost tooth....the list goes on and on.  We can now add our first Thanksgiving to our list. This is not an exciting list of "firsts" like it is with a child who is experiencing their first year of life, but a very sad and painful list of firsts. A list of firsts because it is the first time we are doing things without our "daddy". The first time "mom" is running things (even though I probably did that anyway), but now it's different. I HAVE to run things and I have no one to make decisions with or to even argue with. I. Am. In. Charge. 


It sounds like it would be nice. Always in charge. No other schedules to work around. No one to check in with. It's all about me and the boys. We do what we want and don't have to worry about anyone else. Except there is one big problem. All this so called "independence" really sucks.


I HAVE to be in charge. I HAVE to make all the decisions. (I am really really really horrible at making decisions!) I need another schedule to work around to keep me balanced. I WANT to check in with someone because it means I am missed and cared about. I WANT it to be more than me and the boys.  I WANT to worry about someone else. Life is a much happier place when you have a companion to worry about. It really is. It may not seem like it when you are arguing about finances or how much time you are spending with each side of the family. There are a million things you can argue about in a marriage, but in the grand scheme of life, those "things" to argue about just don't matter. 


If you have a companion to snuggle with, a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with, someone to share opinions and thoughts with, someone to share child raising with......YOU, my friend, are a very lucky person. 


Joe. I need you back.

May 2009

Finding My New Normal

"Finding your new normal". This is something you will often hear if you have lost a loved one.  As I sit and think about this statement, I find it a very bizarre statement but nevertheless a very true statement. Bizarre because normal is not "new". Normal is comfortable, reliable, relaxed. There is nothing new about normal. It is old, it is normal!


But, you have to find a new normal because your "old" normal will never again be the same. Things will always be different. Your life will never ever be the same or in other words, "normal." So, the day your loved one dies is the day you begin your journey of trying to "find your new normal". It is not a journey I would wish for anyone.


I am eight months into this journey. Eight months! I can hardly believe my honey has been gone for eight months. It feels like he has been gone forever and yet it feels like it just happened. How am I doing after eight months? It really depends on the day. Life is still a huge roller coaster. I can be completely content and happy and then a thought crosses my mind or someone says something and my mind floods with memories or future memories we should have had. It's not even things said directly to me that get me down, its the things I overhear. It's the "I love you honey" or  the "I will talk to you later". It's the "daddy's home" or "hi daddy" that really makes my heart take a dive. It's the child running to his dad for a hug or the husband with his arm around his wife as they sit next to each other or stroll along the street together. It's the dad cheering his kids on at their soccer games or the husband taking his wife out for date night. But its their normal. It is not mine. It's what I am supposed to be doing, but can't because my normal changed on February 22, 2011. So how do we go about finding our new normal? Good question. Anyone, anyone, anyone? Bueller. Bueller. Bueller. Yeah, I obviously don't have a clue. But, we do a little of this...

I cheer Sam and Ben on at their soccer games.....

We go camping with fabulous friends....

I spend lots of volunteer hours being the PTA Treasurer, I taxi kids to lessons, I do homework, reading, and bedtime. I (sometimes) make dinner, I do laundry, clean bathrooms, and work on de-cluttering projects. I go grocery shopping and referee fights. I try and keep the garage organized and the yard looking nice. I wash the car and pump up bike tires. I play games with my kids and have family prayer.


Reading over this list, life seems pretty normal. Except.... its not because we do all of this without Jonas. So, I guess in conclusion, finding your new normal means going on with your normal life.... just differently.


 Well. That. Makes. Perfect. Sense.


Lucky me though, I have a wonderful dad that helps me with yard work and car washes. Brother-in-laws that fix things, install new things in my house, and play with my kids. Sisters that babysit all the time for PTA meetings, appointments, and alone time for myself. I have Joe's family who are always so concerned about me and are always willing to help me anytime I need it.  I have an amazing mom that helps me with everything I can't do on my own (which is a lot) and neighbors and friends that care about me and help me with finding that "new normal" I am searching for. I couldn't make this journey alone and for all of you I am truly grateful.


I suppose I will continue to do my normal things......just a little different.

A marvelous time, a BIG crash and burn...

So I went on the most fabulous girls trip with some good friends of mine. We laughed, we talked, we laughed, we talked.....seriously so much fun! And we just happened to be at the happiest place on earth....yup.....I was in Disneyland. Without my children! It was such a different experience. I love Disneyland and I love being there with my kids. I actually felt pretty guilty going on a trip to a "kid" place without my kids. But I really had a blast and got to experience Disneyland in a way that you just don't get to do when you have kids. I got to go through ALL the shops and there are lots of them! I got to eat with adults which meant I was having "adult" conversation and I was enjoying ALL my meals. It was quite heavenly. I ate at restaurants that I didn't even know they had and the food was wonderful. I got to go on rides that my kids never want to and I went on space mountain three times in a row! I love browsing through stores and one day I spent two hours just wandering. It was awesome. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. But then.....I had to come home.....and its been rough.


Of course I missed my boys and I was so happy to see them. But coming home to reality kind of sucks. I started to feel it on the plane. We left California in bad weather and came home to Utah in bad weather. It kind of set the mood for my "return to reality." I haven't had much motivation to get things done. My suitcase is laying on my floor still packed, I finally did a load of laundry tonight because I had to, my kitchen is in disarray, I have been doing lots of crying but not much of anything else.


 I did, however, put up Halloween decorations. I did more decorating this year then I ever have.....I think because I am still trying to avoid getting back into my routine of doing everything alone. Jonas loved Halloween and I think he would have really liked the decorations I did in the house this year. I miss him so much. Is it possible that I still can't believe he is really gone? Will I ever believe it?  I sit and re-live the last three months of his life and I still don't believe it really ended with him dying. He always pulled through when he was so sick. The doctors always made him better again. He was never 100%, but he got through it. How is it possible that he didn't make it this time? I just can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. It's just way too hard and way too sad.

A tender mercy

My little Ben had no problems playing at friends houses, going to birthday parties, going to Kindergarten, riding the bus.....he did it all....he was happy and had friends and was having fun. It all changed two days after school resumed from the Christmas break. Two days after going back to school in January 2011, something happened to Ben. His teacher called me about 10:00 AM. He had been crying and hiding in the corner of his classroom since he got there at 8:45. I went to pick him up and thought maybe he was getting sick. He said he just missed me. He didn't want to go to school the next day but, I tried to make him. He would not get dressed. I tried to force his clothes on him. It was not possible with his kicking and screaming. I did not understand what was going on. 

After some attempts at leaving him at school unsuccessfully....one where he cried in the principals office for two hours, I told him I would sit in class with him if he would stay and do his work. I didn't realize then that I would be doing that the rest of the year! My wonderful mom helped me out so much by rotating days with me so that I didn't have to go to Kindergarten every day. 

Ben couldn't do anything by himself anymore. He wouldn't go to friends houses, to birthday parties, to primary, to grandmas or cousins. He was such a different kid. It totally freaked me out. With Jonas so sick at home I did not have the energy or desire to really deal with the situation. So I just did what was best for both Ben and I at that time. I went to Kindergarten. As time went on we (my mom and I) were able to move to the back of the room and then out to the hall. I seriously can't believe we did that every day from January until June!

My mom and I also sat in primary with Ben every week. I would sit in sharing time with him and she would sit in class with him so that I could go to relief society. Don't I have the most amazing mom?! I got Ben into therapy in March and by the time June rolled around I was already dreading what would happen when first grade started in August. I told Ben all the time that moms and grandmas were not allowed to go to first grade, but I was positive I would have to leave him screaming in the arms of his teacher every day. 

I started to notice little changes through the summer. He was getting braver. He was becoming a little more outgoing. Two weeks before school started we were at church and his primary teacher asked if he wanted to go with her to class. He pulled on my arm and I just told him to go and I would come in a few minutes. To my utter shock he went!! I could not believe it!! I expected at any second that he would turn around and come back to me, but he didn't. I waited ten minutes and then went and sat in the back of the sharing time room. He kept looking back at me but never came to sit by me. After about 10 minutes I left. They never came and got me! He stayed and then went to his primary class. It was a miracle! A tender mercy. Oh how I needed that! After class got over and I saw him in the hall he just ran and gave me a big hug. I was so proud of him! He said to me, "mom, I just felt like I could do it." Oh that little sentence just melted my heart.

The next week in primary he did it by himself again! I was hoping that was the confidence booster he needed to go to school by himself the next day. Monday morning came and I was so nervous. Ben was also acting nervous, but said to me that he thought he could do it. He agreed to go on the bus and I said I would meet him there to take him into class. 

 When he got to the bus stop that morning there were people from our neighborhood cheering for him. It was so cute and he was "totally cool" with all the attention.

 He was smiling when he got off the bus! YEAH!!

He sat at his desk and was so excited when he saw some of his friends from Kindergarten in his class. He didn't cling to me or even act like going to school by himself was a big deal. He acted like an old time pro! I am so proud of you Ben! You are awesome!! I love you so much and I know your daddy is so so proud of you too!

I don't think I did Ben's accomplishment justice in this blog. I don't know how to describe how amazing this was that Ben was going to school by himself. It would take way too long to go into detail about how horrible those 7 months were of Ben not being able to do anything by himself anymore.  They were long and hard, but he is back. My Ben is back! 

Maybe I should...but I probably won't

Maybe I should go to bed at a decent hour every night so that I can feel better when I get up in the morning...but I probably won't.

Maybe I should exercise every day to help me loose the inches and pounds that keep showing up on my body...but I probably won't.

Maybe I should stop pretending that everything is fine...but I probably won't.

Maybe I should focus on one project at a time so that I can actually get something accomplished and crossed off my massive to do list...but I probably won't.

Maybe one day my heart will actually believe and accept that Jonas is not coming home...but probably not.

Maybe if my entire house gets de-cluttered and organized my mind will feel de-cluttered and organized...but I am not counting on it.

Maybe the next time I watch a Utah football game it won't make me miss Jonas so much that it makes my heart and head feel like they will explode...but I probably just won't watch another one.

Maybe one day I won't hate the thought of going to bed each night without Jonas....doubt it.

Maybe one day I will stop turning to chocolate for comfort...probably not!

Maybe one day I will feel joy again....wow, that's an interesting thought....joy.....what's that?

Maybe I should figure out what to do with the rest of my life and focus on my future and stop grieving for the past....yeah, right....that's what someone with a "focused" mind would do.

Maybe I should not blog at 2:00AM because they end up being too depressing to read...hmmmm....

Maybe I should just go to bed....

The Father's in my life

Denny, Jonas, Glen, and Jack on his blessing day

How lucky I am to be blessed with three amazing father's in my life.

My dad is truly a special and unique dad and grandpa. How many dads and grandpas do you know have gone to every ballet recital of their daughter's and granddaughter's.......never missing one in the past 26 years?! How many grandpas do you know will chase their grandkids around the house making them scream with delight? How many grandpas will jump on the trampoline, hold kids at their urgent requests, babysit, change diapers, make bottles, and cuddle with them on the rocking chair while they watch a Disney movie together? How many dads buy their "grown" daughter's tickets to see Broadway shows, buy them tender Christmas gifts that put all the sisters in tears, would do ANYTHING for his girls, and LOVE us all beyond words? My dad. I am truly blessed to have him in mine and my children's life. We love him dearly.

Daddy Daughter 50's night with the young women

How lucky was I to marry a man that adored his children and worked so hard and diligently to provide for his family. He played Legos, xbox, soccer, and wrestled with the boys. He helped with homework, read bedtime stories, and loved to cuddle with them on the couch. He took them to see movies, they went on hikes together, they fished together, and had campfires in the backyard. He had started teaching Ben about fixing cars and teaching him how to wire together his "electrical kit" from college that Ben LOVED. Jack adored him. When Jonas walked in the door after work, he would run to him saying "daddy home, daddy home" and give him a big hug. Sam loved sitting by his dad. He would snuggle right next to him on the couch and was always asking Jonas to help him figure out the newest video game he was playing. Jonas would get on his laptop and look up "tips and tricks" to help Sam win the game. (Now I have to do that and I'm pretty sure I don't enjoy it as much as Jonas did!) Jonas and the boys loved to camp out in the tent in our backyard. They loved playing soccer together and they just enjoyed the time they spent together. It is so heartbreaking that Sam, Ben, and Jack no longer have their daddy to make memories with. We miss you dearly Joe. We love you forever.

They were looking for ideas to carve their "scary" pumpkin

Jack and his daddy

Ben and his daddy

Sam and his daddy with grandpa Denny

The boy club

How lucky am I that my wonderful husband was raised by a wonderful father. Denny taught Jonas the value of hard work and what it means to be not just a "father", but a kind, loving, and caring father. Denny taught Joe how to fix cars and to try doing things on his own instead of having to pay others to  fix things for him. Denny took his family on many fun vacations with lots of fishing and camping trips. Denny supported Joe in his athletics, his scouting program and while he served his mission. He encouraged Jonas to keep on going with his education and was always there to give Joe advice when he asked for it. Denny was always there for Jonas and was a great example of how a husband and father should be towards his family. Jonas had a deep respect for his dad and I know he loved him with all his heart. I also respect and love Denny. I am so thankful that my children will still be able to spend time with their daddy's dad, grandpa Denny. I want my boys to know how much their daddy loved his dad and what a great father he was to their daddy. We love you grandpa Denny!

Denny and Jonas

Memorial Weekend

October 2010

Wow. Didn't expect Memorial weekend to be as hard as it was. I didn't do any preparing (mentally) for the weekend because I just didn't think it would get to me. Wrong. It got to me. The waves have been smashing me against the wall. Again.

It started getting to me when I bought the flowers I would be taking to the cemetery. I bought the flowers on Tuesday and each day I looked at them they made me more sad. By Friday, I just wanted to get rid of them, so the boys and I took them in the rain and cold. The weather was mimicking my mood. Cold. Miserable. Depressed. Next year I am NOT buying flowers until the day we go. Knowing I would be taking those flowers to my husband's grave was so hard. I still don't even want to believe he is really gone. Memorial weekend will now be a big red flashing reminder that my husband is dead. Wait, what am I saying? EVERYTHING is a big red flashing reminder that my husband is dead. Age 35 and dead. It really sucks.

In one of my previous posts I talked about the "magical hug" I had envisioned and dreamed about for the two years Joe was on his mission. Guess what? Totally dreaming about that hug again. This time it WILL be magical and there WILL be music playing in the background while he swings me around kissing and hugging me. Down side? It's going to be a lot longer than two years that I will be dreaming about this hug. By the time I get there the hug I have envisioned will probably have fireworks going off in the background with Jonas finally agreeing to Waltz or Tango or Swing dance with me! Guess its a good thing he has a long time to practice and make our reunion magical! (He better be getting some dance lessons while he waits for me!)

Now. What to do with the rest of my life? It was once mapped out. Someone burned my map. I now have to draw a new one and figure out how to go about living life on this new map. Today my map is blank. I think I just want to continue being mad about Memorial weekend. Maybe another day I will work on that map. Today, I am angry. Angry that my life went from the pictures above to the pictures below. I am only 33 years old! I am now raising three young boys alone. Really? I agreed to this? Really?