He Lives

Going through this weekend was tough. Really tough. It was the first big holiday without Jonas. I made it through Friday ok. I dyed eggs with the boys, which is something I have always loved to do.  It was so sad to me though, that I wasn't finding the excitement in it that I normally do. In the past I have always been as excited as the kids to color eggs. Not this year though. It was forced. Everything is always forced. Forced smiles, forced fun. I look forward to the day when the excitement of doing things with my kids will return and I won't have to force happiness anymore. Although it feels like it will never come again. Forced. Not really an enjoyable way to live.


Saturday was worse. I spent the morning crying. When Jack saw me crying he joined me. It really scares him to see me cry. I think he feels like something bad is happening to me. I can usually pull myself together when he walks in on me crying, but Saturday I couldn't. So we both cried wailed together for awhile. Then I forced myself to go to the neighborhood Easter egg hunt. The kids had fun. It was good for them. I forced myself to smile and look happy. I stayed up until 3:30 am Saturday night. I didn't want to go to bed because I knew tomorrow would come and Jonas would still be gone.


Tomorrow is here. Jonas is still gone. He will be gone for the rest of my tomorrows. It makes my heart hurt. I miss him so much. My body, my mind, my soul aches for him to hold me.

With the first holiday being Easter Sunday I have been trying so hard to focus on what I know. I know Easter is the time to think about Jesus Christ and remember that Jesus made it possible for us to live again. I know Jonas is in Heaven and that he too still lives. I know Jesus Christ made it possible for all of us to live again even after death and that means I will be able to see Jonas again and he will be able to hold me in his arms again. I know these things because I feel in my heart they are true and it is what I have always been taught. Even with this knowledge it is still so hard to accept that Jonas is no longer here with me on Earth. I still miss him terribly and I still have an aching broken heart because he is not here. I can't imagine what my pain and heartache would be if I did not know and have faith that I would see Jonas again. It's hard to imagine pain, heartache and sorrow more intense than what I already feel, but I am sure it is out there. I am grateful to know that Jesus lives and in return my husband, the love of my life, also lives.