Ramblings of my life.....take 1

This is our trip to Yellowstone in July 2010

I decided I would finally start blogging again. I pretty much figured since I don't do anything productive anymore I should at least start blogging. Maybe this will help me get out of this rut I can't seem (nor want) to dig myself out of.

I definitely have good days and bad days. Well, not really 'good' days, but better days. This entire week can be labeled as 'bad' though. I think it started on Monday when I noticed the social security money in my bank account. I should be happy with that....right? I will definitely need the money to pay bills.....but I was not happy. I was sad. Seeing the money in my account made me cry. It was a big statement to me that said. "YOUR HUSBAND IS DEAD. HERE IS YOUR MONEY." I wish so desperately that I didn't need to use the money. I wish I could hide it all away and save it for my kids for college. I don't want it.

This week I also finalized the way I wanted Joe's headstone to look. It took me several weeks to figure it out. I am really pleased with the way it will look. But still.....its such an awful thing picking out your husbands headstone. I just shouldn't be doing this. It is all wrong.

Yesterday in the mail, I received the medical records I requested. It was harder than I thought reading through the tests and procedures they did the last day Jonas was alive. Seeing the date Feb. 22, 2011 feels like I am getting punched in the stomach every time. I really really hate hate hate hate hate that day. Did I mention I hate that day?

To top off the week our pet bearded dragon swallowed a doll shoe.....yup.....a doll shoe. One might wonder why a house full of boys would have a doll shoe in it in the first place? I think Jack brought it home from the neighbors, (who happen to be girls, who happen to own doll shoes). So I called the vet to see what to do. I was told: "it needs to be removed or the bearded dragon will die." So, we drove to an exotic pet vet (yes, you read that right) out in Sandy to see if they could remove it. They tried to pull it out by sticking some sort of thing down his throat. It was unsuccessful. When we got home I talked to another exotic pet vet and he has removed items from bearded dragons before by surgically removing them. Yes, cutting him open. My bearded dragon needs an operation!! This is crazy. I informed Sam that something like this will cost way too much money (and it really does) and that he could just get a new pet.

Sam broke down crying. Hysterically crying. His body hunched over and he was sobbing. He doesn't want a new pet. He wants the one he has now. My response...."don't cry Sam. I will take him to the vet. He will make him all better." I just could not bear seeing Sam cry like that. I watched him cry like that the day I told him his dad died. At another time in our life I would not be spending this much money to save a bearded dragons life. But today I am. And if it makes Sam smile, then I am ok with it. For today. At least I can have some control over making my kids smile. One day, I hope I can find my smile again.