A marvelous time, a BIG crash and burn...

So I went on the most fabulous girls trip with some good friends of mine. We laughed, we talked, we laughed, we talked.....seriously so much fun! And we just happened to be at the happiest place on earth....yup.....I was in Disneyland. Without my children! It was such a different experience. I love Disneyland and I love being there with my kids. I actually felt pretty guilty going on a trip to a "kid" place without my kids. But I really had a blast and got to experience Disneyland in a way that you just don't get to do when you have kids. I got to go through ALL the shops and there are lots of them! I got to eat with adults which meant I was having "adult" conversation and I was enjoying ALL my meals. It was quite heavenly. I ate at restaurants that I didn't even know they had and the food was wonderful. I got to go on rides that my kids never want to and I went on space mountain three times in a row! I love browsing through stores and one day I spent two hours just wandering. It was awesome. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. But then.....I had to come home.....and its been rough.


Of course I missed my boys and I was so happy to see them. But coming home to reality kind of sucks. I started to feel it on the plane. We left California in bad weather and came home to Utah in bad weather. It kind of set the mood for my "return to reality." I haven't had much motivation to get things done. My suitcase is laying on my floor still packed, I finally did a load of laundry tonight because I had to, my kitchen is in disarray, I have been doing lots of crying but not much of anything else.


 I did, however, put up Halloween decorations. I did more decorating this year then I ever have.....I think because I am still trying to avoid getting back into my routine of doing everything alone. Jonas loved Halloween and I think he would have really liked the decorations I did in the house this year. I miss him so much. Is it possible that I still can't believe he is really gone? Will I ever believe it?  I sit and re-live the last three months of his life and I still don't believe it really ended with him dying. He always pulled through when he was so sick. The doctors always made him better again. He was never 100%, but he got through it. How is it possible that he didn't make it this time? I just can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. It's just way too hard and way too sad.