Ever since Joe's angel day I have really struggled to be happy and wanting to do much of anything. I wish it weren't so easy to slip into this "I don't care about anything" mode. I get tired of being there and I don't want to be there, but it is really really hard to snap out of it!
The last several weeks I have found myself feeling more anger. Anger about the weekend showing up every 7 days...I no longer look forward to weekends. I dread them. I can handle the week pretty good with the rush of school and lessons, but the weekends are tough. I miss date night, I miss cuddling on the couch watching a movie, I miss Sunday dinners, I miss watching him play with our boys. Oh the list goes on and on!
I have been having more anger about my boys not having their dad around to teach them things. I see dads playing catch with their kids, teaching them to ride bikes, playing basketball, and just hanging out with their kids. Every time I see it my heart aches for my boys. Can I just scream to the world...this is so unfair! My boys need their dad! I feel like they won't be able to excel in so many activities because Joe isn't here to teach them and practice with them. Ben signed up for baseball and he is going to be so behind in his skill compared to the other kids that have their dad's to practice with. I tried pitching some balls to Sam the other day. I have always been terrible at sports and I did not become magically good when Jonas died. I am horrible! Batting practice didn't go very well or very long with mom not being able to throw a good pitch. Soccer season is starting soon and I wish Jonas were here to run drills with them. I wish he were here to take them camping, fishing, and mountain climbing this summer. Seriously. I could go on for hours about how unfair it is that my boys don't have their dad.
I have been angry that I have to do another year of birthday parties without Joe. It will be Ben's 7th birthday on Wednesday and I have decided that birthdays are probably harder for me than most holidays. I get really depressed about not having Joe here to celebrate birthdays with us. He is missing out on so many things!
I warned you. This is a pity party!
But, I really have been trying to figure out what to do with all my anger. Obviously, it has built up and is now swelling in me. So what will I do with it all? Well, folks. I am going to run. I haven't been what you call a "runner" for almost 9 years now. I have tried running here and there over the years on my quest to loose weight, but never ran more than 2 miles. I just got so bored. So with some motivation from my dear friend Mandy I took the plunge and signed up for my first ever half marathon! I am taking my anger issues pretty seriously and am trying to put them to positive use. Maybe I have gone completely crazy because who signs up for a half marathon if you aren't even a seasoned runner? Well, crazy or not I am registered to run the Top of Utah half marathon on August 25th. Wish me luck. This body of mine is going to need it! Hopefully, with me telling the blogging world about my quest, it will keep me motivated. I am going to need lots of it. Seriously? A half marathon?!
9 comments:
Right now I'm speechless, I love you!!
Brittany,
Hey, this is Diana Suker from oh, so many years ago. I think the ward we were in was the Taylorsville ward...I can't even remember exactly. Anyways, I'm sure you would remember me if you saw a picture or something. (www.aboutthefam.blogspot.com) You can go to my blog and see our little family. Anyways, my heart aches for you. I just happened to find your blog because of facebook...I guess we are friends on there? Anyways, your name looked familiar so I clicked on it and found my way to your blog. Honestly, know that my prayers will be with you always. What a journey of faith you are on, it's amazing how we never expect our lives to take certain turns. I couldn't help but smile when you said you decided to start running. That would be my suggestion as well. I started running a few years back after many complications with a previous pregnancy. I just plead with the Lord that if I could ever be strong again and use my body I would do something. Just like you I signed up for running a half marathon. I ran the TOU two years ago and loved it! Your journey of running will bring much peace, light and hard personal work. I am planning to run this half marathon as well this year. Oh, good luck and don't get frustrated. If you have a dear friend to go through this journey with you, you will fall in love with it. Email me anytime...dianasuker@gmail.com (Sorry this was so long, but I couldn't help but tell you a friend from so many years ago is now praying for you!!!)
Yes. Seriously! It will be awesome! We will plan some runs together, too, which will help a lot. You won't regret it. For me, it can be hard to pull out of the rut I find myself in, and it can be tricky for those of us parenting alone to find the energy, motivation, and babysitters to allow us to get out and run. But I have found hat there is something about running that brings things to the surface and allows healing to happen. Maybe it's the rawness and the vulnerability you feel when you push yourself physically to your limits...and the growh that happens? Just so many parallels with life. At any rate, it will be so great. I'm so proud of you! :). And ignore my typos...trying to do this on my phone!
Yes. Seriously! It will be awesome! We will plan some runs together, too, which will help a lot. You won't regret it. For me, it can be hard to pull out of the rut I find myself in, and it can be tricky for those of us parenting alone to find the energy, motivation, and babysitters to allow us to get out and run. But I have found hat there is something about running that brings things to the surface and allows healing to happen. Maybe it's the rawness and the vulnerability you feel when you push yourself physically to your limits...and the growh that happens? Just so many parallels with life. At any rate, it will be so great. I'm so proud of you! :). And ignore my typos...trying to do this on my phone!
Good for you Brit. Run like crazy! Love you
If you want any pointers for training you should ask Jeff. He's run several marathons, and done the Top of Utah marathon twice. I think it's great that you are looking for a positive outlet for your anger.
Way to go Brittany, just keep on keeping on. Love you also :o)
When I saw you the other day, I just thought you were going for a little walk/run. I had no idea! GOOD FOR YOU!!!
xxx
Bless your heart... you never cease to inspire and amaze me! I love you endlessly! I feel running will be your friend.... so keep running my sweet Brit!
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