We will love you forever Joe! August 21, 1975-February 22, 2011

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

2009, It was a good year!

Jonas is telling us he has had enough of being sick. "This year I am staying healthy!"
(to read previous medical histories, click here)


Family outing to the Gateway Children's Museum

Attempt at a family photo
Daddy & Jack 

This was on Ben's birthday. (Joe's sister is always teasing her brothers!)
Joe looks so much better at this birthday party compared to Ben's
2008 birthday party.

Dr. Samuel Webster

At this point, Jonas was just using his
port for his nightly IV antibiotics.

Dr. Benjamin Webster

Enjoying the warm weather at Joe's parents house
for his sister's birthday.
Happy Easter


 Joe loved to be at Sam & Ben's tball and soccer games!



Hill Air force base

Joe made this treasure box and treasure maps for Sam's
pirate birthday party


Joe & Jack at the 4th of July breakfast at my
parent's house.

Sam got a pet bearded dragon for his 6th birthday!

Swimming in Midway

Family time in the canyon

Dinosaur Park

Dinosaur Park

Lagoon

Cherry Hill

Cherry Hill

Joe's 34th Birthday

Enjoying the outdoors

I don't know where we are....maybe the Todd's
family cabin??

Enjoying some TV after a Sunday dinner
 (I suspect its football)

Reading time

Joe is so creative!

The spider cake (its much better than I could ever do!)

Perhaps more football?! And unfortunately
this about the time Jonas started feeling sick again.
Can you tell he has lost weight?

Webster Christmas party. We make gingerbread
houses every year and the kids (and adults)
always have a good time!

Mine and Kaleb's (my nephews) birthday party
Joe completely shocked and surprised me by showing
up with a Cricut Machine! It was such
a generous gift and I had no idea he was
getting it! I hadn't even hinted I had wanted one.
But I loved it!

Sam & Joe singing at our Christmas Eve talent show

Joe getting his yearly South Park season for Christmas. He loved
that show! (I hated it. Although, yes,
occasionally I did laugh at it. Not very often!)

Merry Christmas!

As far as I can remember it was a really good year! For almost the entire year Jonas was pretty healthy. I think it was about September that he started to not feel good on a more regular basis. At some point Jonas had to go back on TPN, I wish I could remember exactly when that was, but I think it was around September or October of 2009.


 He started to loose weight again and his diarrhea got worse which caused him to be dehydrated. We felt like we were reliving the beginning of 2008. We were both so sad and discouraged that he had to go back on it, but we knew it would be the only way to keep his body nourished and hydrated.


 I am so thankful for the good memories I have of 2009, we had some really fun times together as a family. I wish I had thousands of pictures to document every good moment of that year, but I will cherish the memories in my mind forever.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Our growing list of firsts

It has been nine months of firsts. First birthdays, first anniversary, first summer, first Halloween, first report cards, first lost tooth....the list goes on and on.  We can now add our first Thanksgiving to our list. This is not an exciting list of "firsts" like it is with a child who is experiencing their first year of life, but a very sad and painful list of firsts. A list of firsts because it is the first time we are doing things without our "daddy". The first time "mom" is running things (even though I probably did that anyway), but now it's different. I HAVE to run things and I have no one to make decisions with or to even argue with. I. Am. In. Charge. 


It sounds like it would be nice. Always in charge. No other schedules to work around. No one to check in with. It's all about me and the boys. We do what we want and don't have to worry about anyone else. Except there is one big problem. All this so called "independence" really sucks.


I HAVE to be in charge. I HAVE to make all the decisions. (I am really really really horrible at making decisions!) I need another schedule to work around to keep me balanced. I WANT to check in with someone because it means I am missed and cared about. I WANT it to be more than me and the boys.  I WANT to worry about someone else. Life is a much happier place when you have a companion to worry about. It really is. It may not seem like it when you are arguing about finances or how much time you are spending with each side of the family. There are a million things you can argue about in a marriage, but in the grand scheme of life, those "things" to argue about just don't matter. 


If you have a companion to snuggle with, a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with, someone to share opinions and thoughts with, someone to share child raising with......YOU, my friend, are a very lucky person. 


Joe. I need you back.

May 2009

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Amazing friends, amazing neighbors (Medical History April 2008-Jan 2009)

This is a continuation of Joe's medical history which you can read here.

When we arrived home from the airport on April 17th, 2008, Jonas was in for a shocking surprise. This was the condition of our backyard when we left on April 1st. Our backyard fiasco started clear back in August of 2006. Our next door neighbors were going to build a block wall fence, so Jonas thought it would be "really cool" if we did too. (Because he had lots of spare time to spend building a fence in between school, work, and not feeling good). To make a very long story short, we ended up hiring someone in September 2007 to finish what we (he) had started. Jonas was no longer feeling well enough to try and finish this major project. But, the guy we hired was a "hit and run" type of fella. He came, he started the job, he took a little more than half the money we had agreed to pay him, and then he disappeared. Stressful? Totally. We kept hoping he would come back, but we never saw him again.



The partially worked on wall behind Sam and Ben is all our so called "fence builder" had done



This is what Jonas saw when we pulled up into our driveway:


My dear friend had put herself in charge of a major project. I didn't even know this was going on and when I got back on April 12th I was shocked when I saw our fence almost finished. My friend had been talking with my mom while I was gone and had arranged an entire neighborhood and community of "secret helpers" to finish our backyard. Jonas was speechless when he saw it. He was in tears and couldn't believe what he was looking at. What is even more amazing is the "secret helpers" didn't stop with just a fence. Neighbors and friends brought in dirt to level our yard, they put in a sprinkling system, they put in our grass, they put together a small storage shed and a swing set for my kids. The kindness and hours of service that were spent on our behalf was so incredibly generous of so many people. Everyday something new was happening in our yard. It looked beautiful! We were so grateful and just amazed at how many people were willing to help with our yard. It was a very humbling experience. It was hard to watch so many people doing things in our yard....we felt guilty..... Jonas especially felt like he should be out there helping. He desperately wanted to be out there with everyone, but he was still really sick. He was so grateful though, and I know he wished he could have personally thanked everyone who had helped with such a huge project. Thank you so much my dear friends and neighbors. We are so thankful for you and you will never know how much you touched our hearts.


These are pictures of some of the people helping to haul all the dirt to our backyard. I wish I would have taken pictures of how many people showed up to lay our sod. There were at least 20 people there helping!





 I don't have "after" pictures, so here is one I found of our yard in June. We were so excited to have a yard for Sam's birthday party!

I need to backtrack and fill you in on how Joe's recovery from the Mayo Clinic was going. When we got home he was still so sick and frail. We had a nurse from Coram Healthcare come to our house a few hours after he got home to show me how to do his IV antibiotics and TPN. I remember feeling very overwhelmed and nervous to be in charge of his medications. I had never done anything like this and it was totally freaking me out. Thankfully a nurse would be coming to our house to change the dressing on his PICC line and access his PORT once a week. I was not ready to take that on. I eventually did it a few months later (because our insurance would no longer cover a nurse coming to our home if Jonas was working) so I was forced to learn how to do it. Putting needles into Jonas the first time was SO scary! After several times I felt more comfortable with it and I actually got really good at it. :)


This is a picture from Feb. 2010, but I wanted you to see what his port looks like. This is after a surgery he had to move his port from one side to the other. The doctors had to remove it because the skin had become so thin that he had holes that wouldn't heal. The needles that are covered with a dressing and the tubing hanging down....yeah.....I put those in. :) I did that every Sunday night for about two years.

From the time Joe got home from the Mayo until mid May I pretty much had to do everything for him. He was so weak and tired. He slowly started to gain weight though and even though he still had severe diarrhea, which was making him dehydrated, we finally got the fluid in his TPN high enough so that it would offset everything he was loosing each day. Getting the TPN to be "just right" was frustrating and a slow process. After several weeks of seeing an Internal Medicine doctor we didn't care for, we finally got into Dr. Penrod at the University Hospital. He was awesome. Taking care of a patient who is on TPN takes a lot of time. Seriously.....not many doctors want TPN patients! They have to check labs weekly and meet with dietitians and pharmacists to get the TPN exactly right. It's a lot of extra work and I am so grateful Dr. Penrod was willing to do that for us. He helped Jonas out so much.

We had so many doctor appointments in the months of May, June, July, and August. It seemed like we had at least one a week and sometimes two. Jonas was seeing FIVE different specialists! He was seeing an Endocrinologist for his diabetes, a Gastroenterologist for his diarrhea, a Hematologist for his low white blood count, a Pulmonologist for his lung infection, and a Immunologist for his Immune deficiency. He was also seeing his Internal Medicine doctor and a dietitian. That's a total of SEVEN doctors that wanted to see him monthly until the end of the summer. Then it went to every two or three months that we saw each doctor. Our schedules were crazy!

I wish I could remember how many ER visits we had after we got home from the Mayo. I think maybe 3 or 4 and they were because of low potassium or dehydration and I can't remember what else.....but it all had to do with the TPN getting balanced with what Joe's body was doing. This is when a journal would be nice. I can't recall so many details about this time and its making me mad! If only I had written in a journal....

Here are some pictures of Jonas in April and May. I still get shocked when I look at them and see how skinny he was. He had literally been starving to death and it makes me so sad to think about that.







In June another amazing service was done for us. Some friends put together a benefit dinner to help us pay for medical bills. The turn out was unreal. It was held at West Bountiful park and it seemed like the entire city was there. The food was catered by Red Flame and there was also a bake sale. It was shocking and humbling to see so many people come to support us. I wish there was a way to thank each person individually who supported us through this time. But how does one go about thanking an entire city and community?! Seriously. I live in an amazing area. We were so touched by the generosity of so many people and I truly want to thank you and tell you how much that meant to us. I wish I had more pictures of the benefit dinner, but here are a few I could find. Look at the line of people waiting for food.....look at the parking lot full of cars. It was amazing. It was touching. It is something I will never forget.




At the end of May, Jonas went back to work. He was feeling better and gaining weight almost weekly. The IvIg he was receiving for his immune deficiency was helping, the TPN was helping his malabsorbtion, the neupogen shots were helping his chronic low white blood count, and the IV antibiotics were helping his lung infection. He was getting better! We were so excited and happy to have a healthy dad and husband again. We tried to put out of our minds that the diarrhea problem was still not solved, but at least it was being treated.....not fixed or cured, but treated.....and that was good enough for now.

June
July
 July

 August
September

November

Things were going great! It just never seems to last very long when it come to Joe's health. This is a picture of Jack's blessing day. On this very day Joe's PICC line was really itching and irritating him. He put some cream on it....nothing too unusual.....BUT if you happen to have a low white blood count and a PICC line that can get infected easily.....DO NOT use cream that the dog has chewed on! Our dog was always chewing on tubes of cream, neosporin, A&D ointment. He loves them. Well, Joe grabbed a tube that Gus had chewed on (I can guess why we still had the tube of chewed cream instead of it being in the garbage. Joe was tired of spending money on new tubes of creams and ointments!) He put some under the PICC line dressing to relieve the itching. Doing that caused him to get an infection. He got really sick and ended up in the Huntsman Hospital. They admitted him to the Huntsman Hospital this time because his white blood count was almost zero. He was admitted on Thanksgiving Day. It was our year to go to the Webster's for Thanksgiving, so he told me to take the kids to dinner and he was going to drive himself to the ER. I didn't want him to take himself, but he really wanted me to take the kids to his Grandma's for Thanksgiving. He had decided to go in because of a fever he had that hadn't gone away for a few days. His doctors had told him that if he ever got a fever over 101 that he needs to come into the hospital. He missed Thanksgiving and ended up in the hospital for 16 days!!

It was a very depressing time for Jonas because he felt ok other than a fever that would not come down. He was so bored and felt like he was going crazy being stuck in the hospital for so long. The first 7 days he needed to be there to get his bacterial infection treated and he also had a fungus in his throat that needed to be treated. But after that it really became a waste of time. After 14 days they finally figured out his fevers wouldn't come down because of all the antibiotics he was on! They took him off two of the antibiotics and his fever finally went away. After 16 LONG days he got to come home. I think this is when they removed his PICC line so he would only have to worry about his PORT. At least he had been in the Huntsman for 16 days and not the University Hospital. Being in the Huntsman Hospital was like staying in the Grand America. It was fancy shmancy. The room was huge, the food was excellent and he could call any time of day to order things, and the TV and movie selection was fabulous. So I guess if anything positive came from this at least he was well fed and entertained!




Jonas was home for Christmas, which I had started to wonder about when he was at the hospital for so long. He felt ok in the morning, but as the day went on he started to feel sick.....again. This is the smile he put on for everyone that day....


......but this is how he really felt. Not that great.


My poor honey! He started to feel really sick by the evening so he didn't come with us to his Grandma's and Grandpa's to visit with his extended family. So now he had missed Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with his extended family. Such rotten luck. Jonas stayed at his mom's house and slept while we all went to his Grandparent's house. This also happened to be the year of the horrible snow storm that came in on Christmas night. When I left Joe's grandparent's house it was starting to snow. When I got to Joe's parents house in Taylorsville, it was snowing even harder. Joe was too sick to drive home, so I had to do it. Driving at night scares me, so you can imagine how petrified I was driving home in a storm. My hands gripped the steering wheel for dear life the entire way home. I have driven in snow storms plenty of times, but I have never been in a storm that bad. There were some spots where it was a white out and I couldn't see anything. To make matters worse, Jack, who was three months old was screaming in his car seat. It was a horribly scary experience! When we finally pulled into our driveway a hour later, (Taylorsville to West Bountiful is usually a 20 minute drive) I started crying because of how scared I had been and my hands were numb from gripping the steering wheel so tight. I was so thankful we had made it home safe.

Jonas was better by New Years Eve and the year 2009 was actually a really good year for Jonas' health. I will post on that year next time.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Finding My New Normal

"Finding your new normal". This is something you will often hear if you have lost a loved one.  As I sit and think about this statement, I find it a very bizarre statement but nevertheless a very true statement. Bizarre because normal is not "new". Normal is comfortable, reliable, relaxed. There is nothing new about normal. It is old, it is normal!


But, you have to find a new normal because your "old" normal will never again be the same. Things will always be different. Your life will never ever be the same or in other words, "normal." So, the day your loved one dies is the day you begin your journey of trying to "find your new normal". It is not a journey I would wish for anyone.


I am eight months into this journey. Eight months! I can hardly believe my honey has been gone for eight months. It feels like he has been gone forever and yet it feels like it just happened. How am I doing after eight months? It really depends on the day. Life is still a huge roller coaster. I can be completely content and happy and then a thought crosses my mind or someone says something and my mind floods with memories or future memories we should have had. It's not even things said directly to me that get me down, its the things I overhear. It's the "I love you honey" or  the "I will talk to you later". It's the "daddy's home" or "hi daddy" that really makes my heart take a dive. It's the child running to his dad for a hug or the husband with his arm around his wife as they sit next to each other or stroll along the street together. It's the dad cheering his kids on at their soccer games or the husband taking his wife out for date night. But its their normal. It is not mine. It's what I am supposed to be doing, but can't because my normal changed on February 22, 2011. So how do we go about finding our new normal? Good question. Anyone, anyone, anyone? Bueller. Bueller. Bueller. Yeah, I obviously don't have a clue. But, we do a little of this...










I cheer Sam and Ben on at their soccer games.....










We go camping with fabulous friends....










I spend lots of volunteer hours being the PTA Treasurer, I taxi kids to lessons, I do homework, reading, and bedtime. I (sometimes) make dinner, I do laundry, clean bathrooms, and work on de-cluttering projects. I go grocery shopping and referee fights. I try and keep the garage organized and the yard looking nice. I wash the car and pump up bike tires. I play games with my kids and have family prayer.


Reading over this list, life seems pretty normal. Except.... its not because we do all of this without Jonas. So, I guess in conclusion, finding your new normal means going on with your normal life.... just differently.


 Well. That. Makes. Perfect. Sense.


Lucky me though, I have a wonderful dad that helps me with yard work and car washes. Brother-in-laws that fix things, install new things in my house, and play with my kids. Sisters that babysit all the time for PTA meetings, appointments, and alone time for myself. I have Joe's family who are always so concerned about me and are always willing to help me anytime I need it.  I have an amazing mom that helps me with everything I can't do on my own (which is a lot) and neighbors and friends that care about me and help me with finding that "new normal" I am searching for. I couldn't make this journey alone and for all of you I am truly grateful.


I suppose I will continue to do my normal things......just a little different.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

A marvelous time, a BIG crash and burn...

So I went on the most fabulous girls trip with some good friends of mine. We laughed, we talked, we laughed, we talked.....seriously so much fun! And we just happened to be at the happiest place on earth....yup.....I was in Disneyland. Without my children! It was such a different experience. I love Disneyland and I love being there with my kids. I actually felt pretty guilty going on a trip to a "kid" place without my kids. But I really had a blast and got to experience Disneyland in a way that you just don't get to do when you have kids. I got to go through ALL the shops and there are lots of them! I got to eat with adults which meant I was having "adult" conversation and I was enjoying ALL my meals. It was quite heavenly. I ate at restaurants that I didn't even know they had and the food was wonderful. I got to go on rides that my kids never want to and I went on space mountain three times in a row! I love browsing through stores and one day I spent two hours just wandering. It was awesome. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. But then.....I had to come home.....and its been rough.


Of course I missed my boys and I was so happy to see them. But coming home to reality kind of sucks. I started to feel it on the plane. We left California in bad weather and came home to Utah in bad weather. It kind of set the mood for my "return to reality." I haven't had much motivation to get things done. My suitcase is laying on my floor still packed, I finally did a load of laundry tonight because I had to, my kitchen is in disarray, I have been doing lots of crying but not much of anything else.


 I did, however, put up Halloween decorations. I did more decorating this year then I ever have.....I think because I am still trying to avoid getting back into my routine of doing everything alone. Jonas loved Halloween and I think he would have really liked the decorations I did in the house this year. I miss him so much. Is it possible that I still can't believe he is really gone? Will I ever believe it?  I sit and re-live the last three months of his life and I still don't believe it really ended with him dying. He always pulled through when he was so sick. The doctors always made him better again. He was never 100%, but he got through it. How is it possible that he didn't make it this time? I just can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. It's just way too hard and way too sad.