Riding the Waves

I learned today that grief is like riding a wave. You are managing and feeling like you are doing ok and then you crash. I think the week before Easter was when my wave started to crash to shore and I am still laying there in a puddle on the beach. I am pretty sure I will get picked up again with the tide and then start to ride my wave again. I just hope the next crash won't be as painful. I am not quite sure my heart can take it. As soon as I feel like I am riding the wave again I will write the second part to our love story. I am just waiting to be picked up with the next wave.

He Lives

Going through this weekend was tough. Really tough. It was the first big holiday without Jonas. I made it through Friday ok. I dyed eggs with the boys, which is something I have always loved to do.  It was so sad to me though, that I wasn't finding the excitement in it that I normally do. In the past I have always been as excited as the kids to color eggs. Not this year though. It was forced. Everything is always forced. Forced smiles, forced fun. I look forward to the day when the excitement of doing things with my kids will return and I won't have to force happiness anymore. Although it feels like it will never come again. Forced. Not really an enjoyable way to live.


Saturday was worse. I spent the morning crying. When Jack saw me crying he joined me. It really scares him to see me cry. I think he feels like something bad is happening to me. I can usually pull myself together when he walks in on me crying, but Saturday I couldn't. So we both cried wailed together for awhile. Then I forced myself to go to the neighborhood Easter egg hunt. The kids had fun. It was good for them. I forced myself to smile and look happy. I stayed up until 3:30 am Saturday night. I didn't want to go to bed because I knew tomorrow would come and Jonas would still be gone.


Tomorrow is here. Jonas is still gone. He will be gone for the rest of my tomorrows. It makes my heart hurt. I miss him so much. My body, my mind, my soul aches for him to hold me.

With the first holiday being Easter Sunday I have been trying so hard to focus on what I know. I know Easter is the time to think about Jesus Christ and remember that Jesus made it possible for us to live again. I know Jonas is in Heaven and that he too still lives. I know Jesus Christ made it possible for all of us to live again even after death and that means I will be able to see Jonas again and he will be able to hold me in his arms again. I know these things because I feel in my heart they are true and it is what I have always been taught. Even with this knowledge it is still so hard to accept that Jonas is no longer here with me on Earth. I still miss him terribly and I still have an aching broken heart because he is not here. I can't imagine what my pain and heartache would be if I did not know and have faith that I would see Jonas again. It's hard to imagine pain, heartache and sorrow more intense than what I already feel, but I am sure it is out there. I am grateful to know that Jesus lives and in return my husband, the love of my life, also lives. 

Joe's Medical History....part 1

Elder Jonas Webster

October 1994

I was going to blog the next "exciting" episode of our love story, but those who know me well, can tell you I have always had a hard time staying focused on one thing at a time.  Now that my life has turned completely upside down,  it's even worse. So today you get some medical history....and you will just have to wait patiently for the next episode of "True Love in Bloom,"......that's the thing about writing your love story when you don't have your "other half" to remind you of what "really" happened. You can make it as exciting, romantic, and wonderful as you want!

When Jonas was on his mission in Bahia Blanca, Argentina he was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. He had been serving in the mission field since 1994 and was diagnosed in 1996. He came home just two months before his release date. I remember him being very skinny and looking really pale when he came off the plane. He had been so sick while he was in Argentina! He later said how "scary" the hospital was over there. I remember that I was hiding behind his friend Ryan Furness (who has also passed away) when Jonas came off the plane, (this was back when they let you wait at the gates)......I was so nervous to see him! Oh my goodness. I remember that first hug. It was awesome.

Elder Jonas Webster August 1996

He had a rough couple of months trying to get his diabetes under control. He came home from his mission on his birthday, August 21st. I remember it was at the end of November that he finally started feeling better. He tried just using insulin shots in the beginning, but his glucose levels were always all over the place. He got a diabetic pump in November and that is what finally helped him to get feeling "normal" again. He stayed in the hospital for two nights so he could learn how to use his pump. Little did I know that would be the first of many many hospital stays for my honey. Getting diagnosed with diabetes at age 21 was really hard for him. Jonas was very athletic during his school years. He was the captain of the Taylorsville swim team and loved to go rock climbing. He had always been able to do and eat what he wanted without giving it another thought. Diabetes changes everything. The adjustments in his lifestyle were hard, but he pulled through and kept his diabetes very well managed and under control.

Jonas didn't start having any other major health problems until 2005. He had a few bumps in the road through the years......he would get sick easily, was always coughing, had "the runs" quite often (not a very "public" matter to blog about, but it becomes a major part of his sickness in the later years). But we just figured it was due to his lower immune system since he was a diabetic. He did have one diabetic seizure around 1999 when he was at work. I remember getting a phone call while I was at work from a nurse at St. Mark's hospital. I was so scared and crying the whole way there.  He had bit his tongue really hard when he went into his seizure. The hole in his tongue was really gross! But other than that, he was ok. Whoosh. What a relief!

Jonas, Sam, & Ben
March 2005

So 2005 comes along and one month after I had Ben, Jonas had an appointment with his diabetic doctor.  The labs he got that day showed that his white blood count was really low......seriously low.....she told him to go to the ER because the doctors would need to do some testing to figure out what was going on. Since I was home with a three week old baby and a 21 month old, he told me he was ok to take himself and his mom and dad met him at the hospital.

He was there for several hours and I wasn't hearing much from him. I remember being so worried and wishing I was there. It wasn't until he got home that evening that he told me what the doctors had been testing him for. When he walked in the door and saw me, he started crying. It is heartbreaking to see your husband cry. The doctors had been testing him for cancer (which came back negative), but he had been so scared. I was so upset that I hadn't been there with him, but he said he was glad I wasn't because he didn't want me to feel as scared as he had been that day.  That day really changed Jonas. The thought of having cancer had terrified him.

I am going to end for now. I am getting to "the good the bad and the ugly" years of Jonas' mysterious illnesses. So this too, will be continued.

Jonas and Brittney Webster
August 2002

The Beginning of a Love Story...

Once there was a sixteen year old girl who worked as a lifeguard at Raging Waters. Her cousin,who was also a lifeguard, wanted her to go on a group date with him and his girlfriend to see the Fourth of July fireworks at Sugarhouse Park. The sixteen year old said she had no one to take so she probably wouldn't go. Her cousin, being the outgoing, stubborn person he always was, said, "Who do want to go with? I will set you up." Just then, the boy whom the sixteen year old thought was VERY cute and very funny walked by. 
"Him." she replied. "He is really cute," (as she giggled and turned red).
 "OK." was her cousins reply. "I will get him to ask you out."


The morning passed and late afternoon was arriving. This sixteen year old was wondering if her cousin was going to pull through with getting the cute boy to ask her out. The sixteen year old's cousin came over to where she was guarding. "Did he ask you out yet?" 
"No" replied the sixteen year old.
"Don't worry. He will." said the cousin.


Sure enough about 30 minutes later, up walks the cute (very shy) boy that the sixteen year old wanted to go out with.


Now, this sixteen year old can't really remember how the conversation went, other than he did ask her to go to the fireworks that night and the cute boy was extremely nervous while doing the asking, but she excitedly said yes. The sixteen year old remembers having butterflies in her stomach at the thought of going on a date with him. 


The sixteen year old and the cute boy had a lot of fun together. There was a group of about 8 people and they took coolers full of food up to the fireworks and sat on a steep hill on blankets. After the fireworks were over they waited for the crowds to clear and they went blanket rolling down the steep hill. They all laughed and had a perfect first date. 

Raging Waters 1994

Those perfect dates continued through the summer. There was hiking, camp fires, hanging out with friends at Raging Waters, swimming, movies, dinners, many late nights (that the sixteen years old parents never approved of), and always lots of smiling and laughing. The sixteen year old girl and the cute boy were having the best summer, but then the cute boy had to start getting ready to serve a mission. He had been called to serve in Bahia Blanca, Argentina and would be leaving the sixteen year old girl in October of 1994. 

Hiking and camp fires with some of Joe's friends
August 1994

The summer ended and the sixteen year old girl had to go back to school to start her Junior year. The cute boy got a job at Deseret Gym working as a lifeguard and started to get things ready to go on his mission. The cute boy took the sixteen year old to her Homecoming Dance in September. He asked her by filling a cleaned out pumpkin with spaghetti noodles and pumpkin  seeds. He put the letters to his name inside the pumpkin in little capsules that took this poor sixteen year old a long long time to find. She was overjoyed when she realized it was her "cute boy" that had asked her to the dance. They had a great time together and she  later realized what a good sport this cute boy was for taking a sixteen year old to her Homecoming when he had already graduated High School!

Bountiful High Homecoming 1994

October 19, 1994 came and it was time for the cute boy to go the the MTC. It was very sad and hard for the sixteen year old girl and cute boy to say goodbye, but they knew it was what the cute boy wanted to do and so the sixteen year old promised to write and they said their goodbyes.

Totally breaking missionary rules
 by hugging instead of  giving a hand shake

To be continued.....

The Kindness Of Many

2/18/11

Jonas never stopped smiling! 

I am truly surrounded by so many kind and generous people. The outpouring of love, concern, and generosity has been amazing.  I hope to be able to return the love and kindness that so many people have shown me. I have been on the receiving end of service for so many months. I often wonder how I can thank everyone and let them know how much I appreciate their kindness. There are just so many of you! 


I pray people will know how grateful I am for all they do for me. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful friends and neighbors. And I really do have the most amazing family! This definitely includes all of my in-laws. I always tell people how lucky I am to be part of the Webster family. I love my family and the Webster family dearly.


I will probably never be able to thank each one of you individually (especially all the anonymous contributions and gifts) but, please know how deeply thankful and grateful I am for each and every one of you! You have each touched my life and helped me through this difficult time. May God continually bless you. 

Ramblings of my life........take 2

BLANK. I feel blank. I feel empty. I feel rage. I feel deep depression. I feel stress.........All within a 5 minute period! Feeling this many emotions is exhausting. I have so many things spinning in my head at ALL times that I can barely focus on one thing. I have so many things I want to blog about I don't even know where to start........BLANK. I feel blank again. I am going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

Ramblings of my life.....take 1

This is our trip to Yellowstone in July 2010

I decided I would finally start blogging again. I pretty much figured since I don't do anything productive anymore I should at least start blogging. Maybe this will help me get out of this rut I can't seem (nor want) to dig myself out of.

I definitely have good days and bad days. Well, not really 'good' days, but better days. This entire week can be labeled as 'bad' though. I think it started on Monday when I noticed the social security money in my bank account. I should be happy with that....right? I will definitely need the money to pay bills.....but I was not happy. I was sad. Seeing the money in my account made me cry. It was a big statement to me that said. "YOUR HUSBAND IS DEAD. HERE IS YOUR MONEY." I wish so desperately that I didn't need to use the money. I wish I could hide it all away and save it for my kids for college. I don't want it.

This week I also finalized the way I wanted Joe's headstone to look. It took me several weeks to figure it out. I am really pleased with the way it will look. But still.....its such an awful thing picking out your husbands headstone. I just shouldn't be doing this. It is all wrong.

Yesterday in the mail, I received the medical records I requested. It was harder than I thought reading through the tests and procedures they did the last day Jonas was alive. Seeing the date Feb. 22, 2011 feels like I am getting punched in the stomach every time. I really really hate hate hate hate hate that day. Did I mention I hate that day?

To top off the week our pet bearded dragon swallowed a doll shoe.....yup.....a doll shoe. One might wonder why a house full of boys would have a doll shoe in it in the first place? I think Jack brought it home from the neighbors, (who happen to be girls, who happen to own doll shoes). So I called the vet to see what to do. I was told: "it needs to be removed or the bearded dragon will die." So, we drove to an exotic pet vet (yes, you read that right) out in Sandy to see if they could remove it. They tried to pull it out by sticking some sort of thing down his throat. It was unsuccessful. When we got home I talked to another exotic pet vet and he has removed items from bearded dragons before by surgically removing them. Yes, cutting him open. My bearded dragon needs an operation!! This is crazy. I informed Sam that something like this will cost way too much money (and it really does) and that he could just get a new pet.

Sam broke down crying. Hysterically crying. His body hunched over and he was sobbing. He doesn't want a new pet. He wants the one he has now. My response...."don't cry Sam. I will take him to the vet. He will make him all better." I just could not bear seeing Sam cry like that. I watched him cry like that the day I told him his dad died. At another time in our life I would not be spending this much money to save a bearded dragons life. But today I am. And if it makes Sam smile, then I am ok with it. For today. At least I can have some control over making my kids smile. One day, I hope I can find my smile again.