Life and Death

I often wonder what my husband is doing on the other side. Is he busy? Is he happy? Does he miss us? Does time move as slow for him and it does for me? Does he see me crying for him? Is he watching his boys grow up? Does he see the look on their faces when they are missing their daddy? Did he come to Sam's 9th birthday party? I feel like he was there with us...was that just me wishing it so desperately that I feel like he was? So many questions! So many questions with no answers. The only answer we get to have is one of faith. Faith that he is there on the other side waiting for me, faith that he is with us and watches over us, faith that he is happy and that we will be happy together again. Faith is not an easy thing. But when it's the only thing I get, I am going to cling to it. Cling to it with all my might. I need to have faith that he is with me....otherwise I would not be able to get through each day. When big events happen....birthdays...anniversaries...I miss him so desperately. I want to be able to share those milestones with him. I tend to get very depressed and have a hard time climbing back out of my dark hole. The month of June was especially hard and I have been missing him with every ounce of my soul. I just want to touch him. I want to feel his arms around me. I want him to hold me and never let go. I want to hold his hand and kiss his lips. Gosh! I miss him! My heart and soul ache for him. Some of the things that I didn't get to share with Jonas during the month of June were... (and I mean I didn't get to share physically, not spiritually....because he probably was there.)


May 30th. The birth of my sweet nephew. Karson Glen Wood. My sister Katie and her husband Kyle invited me to be in the room for the birth of Karson. It was amazing. Truly miraculous. Seeing Karson come into the world was so tender and beautiful. My sister wanted me there because she said she really felt like Joe was the last person Karson was with before he came to earth. She feels like Joe was holding his hand before he came to be with us. I held Karson's hand right after he was born. I hope it was the hand Joe had been holding!

June 15th. Sam's 9th birthday. I can't believe I have such a grown up son! He is handsome and charming. Tender and sweet...mixed in with a little ferociousness! He is my tender heart that cares about every living creature. He loves to play make believe and has an awesome imagination. He has the best smile and gives great hugs! He likes the role of being the protector of his two younger brothers (when he isn't teasing them!) He loves the UTES (just like his daddy) so naturally his favorite color is red. He loves to play xbox and jump on the trampoline. He is a great swimmer and an awesome soccer player. I am so blessed to have him as my son!

 It was so much fun watching Sam open his presents. He LOVED every single one of them and was so animated and excited about everything he got. He made all of us feel like it was our birthday too.

June 17th. Father's Day. Yeah, that is a hard day. Not really much to talk about. It was sad...


June 26th. Our 15th wedding anniversary. My second one spent without Jonas. I spent the morning at the temple with two of my dear widow friends. I am so blessed to have them in my life. Hard days are more bearable with them. We went to lunch after and had a great time chatting the afternoon away. I took three of the most handsome boys ever to dinner with me later that evening. We went to Texas Roadhouse and they loved it! Ben loves loves steak and when he took a bite of his steak at dinner that night he pretended to pass out because it was so good. He is so funny! We came home and watched cartoon episodes of Avengers and ate popcorn and icecream. Since I didn't get to spend the day with Joe, I am so glad I got to spend it with my boys. I sure love them! This anniversary was going to be an extra special one. Joe and I had been talking about taking a trip for our 15th anniversary. We were going to go to Washington DC. I kind of feel jipped! Anyone want to take me?? ;) 


June 20th-24th. Our annual trip to the Homestead in Midway. We eat, swim, play games, watch movies, swim some more, and eat lots more! It's great! The kids love it and the parents are exhausted by Sunday. Good times, but always missing Joe.

It's a good thing my boys have uncles that are willing to throw them in the air and wrestle in the water with them. I sure can't do it...believe me....I tried! They are heavy! 

We have also been to the Taylorsville Dayz parade with the Webster's, fireworks at West Bountiful park, a BBQ and fireworks with friends, and many other summer activities. All without Joe. Or maybe he was there... I sure wish I could see him though! So as we go through our daily lives, living and moving forward, we are still missing Joe and wishing he was here with us. Lucky for us, even in death, he IS here. I just have to hold onto the faith and knowledge that I know we will see him again. Even if it is a really really long time away.

Busy May, Tired Mom...

May was really busy! I am looking forward to those lazy days of summer....oh, wait....three boys....three boys....lazy summer.....yeah, that doesn't really go together! 

Sam is an awesome soccer player! I love watching him play! He loves playing defense and he is really good at it.

Ben is also an awesome soccer player! I love how he is not afraid to get in there and go after the ball! He is tough out there.

Ben decided to do baseball this year and has improved so much over the season. He hit his first home run a few weeks ago and I was sure proud of him! Way to go, Ben!

Ben also takes tumbling and boys hip hop. He had a performance on May 19th and I love watching him perform! He is made for the stage. During practice he doesn't put his whole heart into it, but give him a stage and an audience and he rocks! He is such a good dancer.

Sam had his third grade program and I just have to say that he was so handsome up there! He was really getting into it and was having lots of fun. I even got teary eyed at one point...all the third graders did such a good job.

Sam earned his Wolf in scouts! I was so proud of him and I know his daddy was too. He was so excited to receive it. He talked about it all week and kept asking if "today was the day he got his Wolf badge." He is such a sweetheart! I am excited he gets to be in Bears with me in a few weeks!

This is what you could find Jack doing during our busy month of May...

Just smiling and being my cute Jack Jack!

We made time for roasting marshmallows and enjoying the beautiful sunsets. I sure love my boys!

I was also in charge of teacher appreciation week at the elementary school. That was a lot of work! I had awesome people to help me though and it ended up being a fun week for everyone. West Bountiful Elementary teachers are SUPER HEROES! I went on the first grade field trip to the zoo. There were thousands of first graders wandering the zoo. It was just a little crazy!

I also helped with the third grade field day. We walked to the park from the school, played games at the park all afternoon, and walked back to the school. I was so tired! I almost wanted to whine along with all the third graders about walking back in the heat!

My wonderful neighbor built some garden boxes for me and he also helped get the dirt into them. Hopefully I can repay him with some yummy veggies I planted last week. Here's to hoping they actually grow! (Last year's garden wasn't so successful.) I finally planted my flowers in the rock retaining wall that got finished last summer. It was Joe's idea to put it there and it looks beautiful. Jonas would have loved it. My other wonderful neighbor helped me paint Jack's room. He has a really cute room now and he loves it! I am surrounded by awesome people that are always so willing to help me. Thank you! We appreciate all of you so much!

Beautiful Mothers

There are so many mothers that I admire and look up to. So many wonderful mothers out there that I can learn so much from. There's my dear widow friends whom I respect a great deal and couldn't do this "widow" thing without them. There's single mothers working full time to support her family. There's the mothers that bake amazing cakes for their children's birthdays, mothers that always have their laundry done and their house clean, mothers that read to their children every night, make crafts with their children, and play games with their children. There's the mothers that always have their makeup on and their hair done, mothers that volunteer at the school and mothers that cook dinner every night.  There's talented mothers that can sew, decorate their home beautifully, and seem to find time for everything. There's mothers that are enduring heartache and pain from watching their children suffer with sickness or special needs.  Yes, there are all kinds of amazing mothers out there.


 Now, I may or may not posses some of those qualities and abilities I mentioned, but I want you to know that whether or not you have one or none of those qualities, You. Are. Amazing. You are a mother in this day and age for a reason. You are strong, beautiful, and determined. You want the best for your children and that makes you the best mom ever.  I hope we can all learn from, teach, and help each other. We need each other. We need to stick together. Our children are growing up in hard times. There's so much "bad" in the world. Mothers need to band together to protect their children. We need to teach our children kindness, love, and tolerance. I, for one, am scared for what my children will face in the future. I am so grateful and thankful for all the other mothers in the world that can teach and help me know how to raise my boys. I am especially thankful for my own wonderful mother. You mom, are amazing.

Happy Mother's Day Beautiful Moms!

Random Thoughts.

I have been struggling with what to blog about lately. Since I finished Joe's medical history I haven't felt like blogging. I am also really trying to get to bed on time and its hard to find time to blog if I am not staying up until one or two in the morning! Yup...it's 12:35 and I am blogging. I guess my goal of going to bed on time isn't happening tonight.


 I am sad about not having Joe here for Easter (again) and  I guess I don't feel like blogging once again about how crappy I feel. You have all heard it, right?! I feel like I should be blogging about positive things that make you all think I am "making it" on this journey of mine and I am not only "making it," but I am doing it with a positive attitude that inspires people around me. (Insert sarcastic laughing).


I have been trying to keep up with my running. The past two weeks have not been as productive as I would like, but I am not giving up (yet). I hope that once the kids are back in school on Monday I will be back on a regular running schedule. I really do enjoy running and hope that my knee allows me to continue.


We had a really fun and busy spring break. We had days at the park, good times with friends, and fun days with family. Oh, look...that was a positive thing! I guess I will end on that note and go to bed. :) 

Happy 7th Birthday Ben!

A little bit about Ben...

He still loves legos!

He is an AWESOME hip hop dancer!

He enjoys shooting guns

and joining Jack in climbing on things...

He likes lots of different colors, his favorite food is steak, and his favorite sports to play are soccer and baseball. He said he also likes tennis and football, but he hasn't played either of them. He is really smart in math and figuring out how to build things. The other day he said, "mom, I know what 45 + 45 is...it's easy... 40+40=80, 5+5=10, and 80+10=90...easy huh! His brain thinks like his daddy's! He figures out math problems like that all the time. He is also a great reader and loves playing with his friends. He loves to tease his brothers, but there are times when his caring nature shines through.  When Jack is hurt or upset about something I have seen Ben make sure he takes care of him and makes sure Jack is having fun. He is a sweetheart.

We had a fun bowling birthday party with his friends on Saturday

And another fun party with family on Sunday!

Chloe is taking one for the team. She is such a good sport!

(notice how Ben is pushing Jack away so he won't blow out his candles)

Happy Birthday buddy! We sure love you!

Warning! It's A Pity Party!

Ever since Joe's angel day I have really struggled to be happy and wanting to do much of anything. I wish it weren't so easy to slip into this "I don't care about anything" mode. I get tired of being there and I don't want to be there, but it is really really hard to snap out of it! 


The last several weeks I have found myself feeling more anger. Anger about the weekend showing up every 7 days...I no longer look forward to weekends. I dread them. I can handle the week pretty good with the rush of school and lessons, but the weekends are tough. I miss date night, I miss cuddling on the couch watching a movie, I miss Sunday dinners, I miss watching him play with our boys. Oh the list goes on and on!


I have been having more anger about my boys not having their dad around to teach them things. I see dads playing catch with their kids, teaching them to ride bikes, playing basketball, and just hanging out with their kids. Every time I see it my heart aches for my boys. Can I just scream to the world...this is so unfair! My boys need their dad! I feel like they won't be able to excel in so many activities because Joe isn't here to teach them and practice with them. Ben signed up for baseball and he is going to be so behind in his skill compared to the other kids that have their dad's to practice with. I tried pitching some balls to Sam the other day. I have always been terrible at sports and I did not become magically good when Jonas died. I am horrible! Batting practice didn't go very well or very long with mom not being able to throw a good pitch. Soccer season is starting soon and I wish Jonas were here to run drills with them. I wish he were here to take them camping, fishing, and mountain climbing this summer. Seriously. I could go on for hours about how unfair it is that my boys don't have their dad.


I have been angry that I have to do another year of birthday parties without Joe. It will be Ben's 7th birthday on Wednesday and I have decided that birthdays are probably harder for me than most holidays.  I get really depressed about not having Joe here to celebrate birthdays with us. He is missing out on so many things! 


I warned you. This is a pity party! 


But, I really have been trying to figure out what to do with all my anger. Obviously, it has built up and is now swelling in me. So what will I do with it all? Well, folks. I am going to run. I haven't been what you call a "runner" for almost 9 years now. I have tried running here and there over the years on my quest to loose weight, but never ran more than 2 miles. I just got so bored. So with some motivation from my dear friend Mandy I took the plunge and signed up for my first ever half marathon! I am taking my anger issues pretty seriously and am trying to put them to positive use. Maybe I have gone completely crazy because who signs up for a half marathon if you aren't even a seasoned runner? Well, crazy or not I am registered to run the Top of Utah half marathon on August 25th.  Wish me luck. This body of mine is going to need it! Hopefully, with me telling the blogging world about my quest, it will keep me motivated. I am going to need lots of it. Seriously? A half marathon?!

We Were Given A Gift...

One year ago today my life permanently changed. I no longer had my husband and the father of my children with me on earth. His broken body couldn't function here anymore and he went on with another chapter of life. The day Jonas died was the worst day of my life. It feels foggy, yet clear at the same time. I can't recall some things, but others will stay in my mind forever. Maybe one day I will be able to write about that day, but for now I still keep it hidden in my mind. Death was not a peaceful experience for me. It was horror and chaos. Jonas dying that day was not expected. Some people seem to think that I knew it was coming because of how sick he had been. I had thoughts that he might not make it for very many more months, especially after the doctors told us Jonas needed a liver transplant in order to survive.  I don't think I ever believed it. How could I accept the idea that my husband was going to die? To accept it would mean I was giving up hope. I never wanted to loose hope.

After that painful, horrible, rotten day, my boys and I had to figure out what our new normal was. Everything had changed and nothing seemed fair or right. I started seeing a counselor about a month after Jonas died. My mom was the one who suggested I go talk to someone and I will be forever grateful that I did. She helped me cope with some of the hardest days and nights I had ever experienced. Loosing someone you love and care for deeply brings an actual physical pain to your heart. I remember some nights crying and sobbing and actually feeling that pain. A broken heart is not a figure of speech. It feels exactly how it sounds. It hurts!

I had spent the last three months caring for Jonas. I was his nurse, his wife, his support, the mother of his children, and the one who had to be strong. I had to prepare his TPN every day, make sure I was home at certain times to give him his medications, figure out what to feed him, and be available in the evenings to hook him up to his IV antibiotics. It was exhausting and stressful, but I was so busy doing so many things I didn't notice. I didn't notice until I didn't have to do it anymore. One day I was everything to someone and the next day I was nothing. I was no longer needed. What was I going to do with all this time? I missed doing my job. I wanted to be a nurse and a wife again. I wanted Jonas back. I wanted all these things, but I couldn't have any of them. How could I possibly go on with life?

The answer was simple. My children. My three handsome boys. I am so lucky and blessed to be the mother of Sam, Ben, and Jack. God knew I would not be able to do this alone. He knew I needed three strong personalities to keep me jumping and busy everyday. God knew I would let myself wither away in bed if I could. I was sent these three amazing boys to help me. They are the reason I get up every morning and they are the reason I can still smile. They have no idea how much I need them. I hope they realize one day that they saved me.

During one of my sessions with my counselor I was talking about the time we spent at the Mayo Clinic in 2008. I was telling her that the doctors were calling him a medical mystery and that they were having a hard time knowing how to help him. I don't think I mentioned this in my medical history post, but one of the doctors told us that starving bodies will take nutrition out of every muscle and bone it can. The last place it takes nutrition from is your temples. Joe's temples had been sunk in at one of his appointments and when the doctor saw that he really didn't think he was going to make it. Of course, he didn't tell us that at the time, but only after Joe had started doing better. There were two doctors that had told us (after he was doing better) that they didn't think he was going make it and another doctor at the Mayo Hospital that said it was in God's hands. I am sure there were many more doctors that were thinking the same thing.

After I finished telling my counselor this she looked at me and said, "you were given a gift." I just looked at her not really understanding what she meant. "Heavenly Father knew you were not ready to let him go in 2008." I was thinking in my head...I am not ready in 2011 either! But as we sat and talked some more I started to realize that she was right. (Not that I was ready in 2011, but that we had been given a gift.) We were allowed to keep Jonas in our lives for a couple more years. Jonas was here for the birth of our third son, we were able to go on family vacations and family outings, we were able to have two more years to make memories. We had two more years to learn, grow, and become a stronger family. The strain on a marriage when someone is chronically ill is tough. The stress since mid 2007 was taking its toll on us and we had grown apart. By the summer of 2008 we were doing much better. We were finally able to work on "us" and had fallen in love all over again. It's very true that you have to continually work on your marriage to make it work. I think in every marriage there will be times when you grow apart, but you have to keep working on the "us" part so that you have the wonderful experience of falling in love again and again with your spouse.

Now, had I known the next two years were a gift I would have done things SO MUCH different, but, you know...we aren't supposed to go there. So I try not to. Things really were good between me and Joe. Better than good. They were as perfect as they could have been. We loved each other and we loved our children. Yes, I wish we would have had the "if I ever die" talk and I wish I would have video recorded him more often. I wish he would have had the chance to write letters to our boys and let them know how much he loves them and how proud he was of them. He loved being their daddy. I wished I would have known (or realized) that his time was almost gone and that I would have had a chance to tell him once more how much I love and appreciate him. But I try to remain grateful for the years I had with him. I try to stay positive for my boys so that they can have a happy childhood. I know I will see Jonas again and I dream about that awesome reunion we will have one day. We are so blessed to have a loving Heavenly Father. He blessed us with our Joe for two extra years. I will forever treasure the memories we made. When I am having one of those hard nights I will try and remember that because I am loved, I was given a gift.

Joe & Sam 2003

Joe & Ben 2005

Joe & Jack 2008