Memorial Weekend

October 2010

Wow. Didn't expect Memorial weekend to be as hard as it was. I didn't do any preparing (mentally) for the weekend because I just didn't think it would get to me. Wrong. It got to me. The waves have been smashing me against the wall. Again.

It started getting to me when I bought the flowers I would be taking to the cemetery. I bought the flowers on Tuesday and each day I looked at them they made me more sad. By Friday, I just wanted to get rid of them, so the boys and I took them in the rain and cold. The weather was mimicking my mood. Cold. Miserable. Depressed. Next year I am NOT buying flowers until the day we go. Knowing I would be taking those flowers to my husband's grave was so hard. I still don't even want to believe he is really gone. Memorial weekend will now be a big red flashing reminder that my husband is dead. Wait, what am I saying? EVERYTHING is a big red flashing reminder that my husband is dead. Age 35 and dead. It really sucks.

In one of my previous posts I talked about the "magical hug" I had envisioned and dreamed about for the two years Joe was on his mission. Guess what? Totally dreaming about that hug again. This time it WILL be magical and there WILL be music playing in the background while he swings me around kissing and hugging me. Down side? It's going to be a lot longer than two years that I will be dreaming about this hug. By the time I get there the hug I have envisioned will probably have fireworks going off in the background with Jonas finally agreeing to Waltz or Tango or Swing dance with me! Guess its a good thing he has a long time to practice and make our reunion magical! (He better be getting some dance lessons while he waits for me!)

Now. What to do with the rest of my life? It was once mapped out. Someone burned my map. I now have to draw a new one and figure out how to go about living life on this new map. Today my map is blank. I think I just want to continue being mad about Memorial weekend. Maybe another day I will work on that map. Today, I am angry. Angry that my life went from the pictures above to the pictures below. I am only 33 years old! I am now raising three young boys alone. Really? I agreed to this? Really?

A Love Story.....Just Beginning

Continuing on from my post "The Love Story Continues", after I left the airport I had to go back to work. Jonas went home and I had to go endure five more hours of work. I told Jonas I would come over to his house later that evening. I was so nervous the rest of the day! The five hours felt like ten. I honestly didn't know how I felt. About anything. 


I went over to his house that night and I have been sitting here trying to remember what we did but, I can't remember! I am having memories of sitting on the couch visiting with all the family that kept stopping by. The one thing I do remember (quite vividly) is that when I left he walked me to the car and yes......we kissed.....I wish I could say it was a magical kiss that washed away all my feelings of doubt, but I was still confused. I remember that Jonas said to me, "I still feel the same." I just hugged him. I didn't know how to respond. It was a good thing Jonas didn't give up on me (or catch on that I was unsure of my feelings) because as far as this sweet handsome returned missionary knew it was like he had never left! And you know......that is so Jonas! He was not very observant. There was no beating around the bush with him. If I wanted him to know how I was feeling I had to speak loud and clear. His nonobservance did serve a greater purpose it later years though. I could totally get away with buying new clothes and he rarely noticed. So yes, before kids......I had a GREAT wardrobe! 

My feelings of doubt just started to go away the more time I spent with Jonas. All the old feelings started to return. The butterflies in my stomach came back every time he called me on the phone. The complete and total happiness I felt when I was with him was back. The smiling and laughing and even the kissing, they were back and I loved it! I loved him. I had fallen in love and wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man. Jonas did want to move a little faster than me. He wanted to get married in December. Remember he had returned home on August 21st! Remember I was only 18! I didn't think I would be ready for a wedding in December so we decided on June. I guess getting married six months later would be enough time for me to grow and mature so that I could become his wife (insert sarcasm) and besides, I would be the ripe old age of 19 by then. Holy crap. I was so young!

I have questioned the intelligence of us getting married that young several times over the years. Why didn't we wait until Jonas had some schooling behind him? Why didn't we wait until we had built up a savings account? Why didn't I finish school first? Both Jonas and I would say to each other, "what were we thinking getting married so young!" We struggled so much in those first years (obviously the six months didn't do much to improve my maturity). But now, I am ever so grateful and thankful that we DID get married that young. I got to spend almost 14 years with Jonas. If we had waited our years of being married would have been so much shorter. They were already cut DRASTICALLY short. I am so thankful we were too in love (or too dumb) to not wait. I wouldn't want it any other way.


Now, when my boys get older and read this. Yes, we really were 25 when we got married and your daddy had already graduated college! DO NOT try and get out of the pact we made that you will be 25 and a college graduate before you marry. ;)

Jonas and I were married on June 26, 1997 in the Salt Lake Temple. It was a perfect day. A long day, but a perfect one. Maybe I will write more about that in June when it's closer to our anniversary. It would have been our fourteenth anniversary this year. That will be a hard day. I miss you so much Jonas. How I will ever survive this time without you is not something I can understand or figure out. My heart aches for you every day. I hope you know how much I love you and how grateful I am for you. You did so much for me and the boys. You worked so hard for our family. You were the best dad and the boys love and miss you so much. I am not sure how we will be able to go on. I guess just one day at a time. One day at a time. It sounds pretty miserable if you ask me. Dang it. My heart hurts! I need you back. I will love you always and forever Jonas. Please watch over us.

Untitled

Headstone. Final Resting Place. A Reminder That This Is All Real. Gone Too Soon. A Day At Bountiful Cemetery. Untitled. I could not come up with an appropriate title for this one. 

This day was much harder than I thought it would be. Seeing the headstone put in place is another reminder that this is all real. It's not a nightmare I will wake up from. It is my life. A life I am trying to figure out how to function in. But for now, until I can get a grip on my reality, I will have a place to go be with Jonas. I really am happy with the way the headstone turned out. I am pretty sure Jonas is happy with it too. 

It took me a long time to make a final decision on this headstone. Luckily, McMullin Memorials was so good to work with me and all my changes! There were so many more things I wanted to add to the headstone, but since I couldn't have a raised one (you have to own four single plots to get a raised headstone at Bountiful Cemetery) I wanted to put things on it that would forever remind us of Jonas. A headstone that would give our three sons a small glimpse of what was important to their dad and what he enjoyed in life.

I had wanted to put our wedding date, June 26, 1997 on it and also Sam, Ben, and Jack's handprints. I also wanted to put the words to the song "Gone Too Soon". With a raised headstone I probably could have.....but, oh well. This is what we have.

If you knew Jonas, then you knew he was a HUGE Utes fan. He LOVED his Utes! Our last date together was to a U of U football game. That was Nov. 6, 2010. Oh how I wish I would have been able to go to more games with him. He was always so happy there and usually lost his voice by the end of the game from cheering so loud! 

I chose the lake with the dad and three sons fishing because that is what they loved to do together. They didn't get to do it very often, but Jonas always talked about how much fun they would have fishing together as the kids got older. Jonas had so many fun plans for family camping trips and fishing trips. "As soon as I get feeling better....." or "As soon as I don't have to haul around all these IV antibiotics and TPN....." Yes. We were always looking forward to the day Jonas would be feeling better. We had such fun plans for the future!

I originally had Beloved Husband, Father, Son, & Brother along the bottom. But I had also wanted to put a saying on there that would "be" Jonas. So I had to choose. I was talking to Joe's mom about my dilemma and we were trying to come up with sayings that would be fitting for Joe. She laughingly said "Schrodinger's cat is dead." Jonas had a black shirt that had in white print "Schrodinger's Cat Is Dead" on the front and "Schrodinger's Cat Is Not Dead" on the back. He had found this shirt on a website called Think Geek. He loved browsing through the products they had for sale. He loved being a geek! He came home from work one day and said, "you know, electrical engineers really are geeks and I am a total and complete geek." I just started laughing at him because he was so serious when he said it. Ahhhhh. How I loved and adored my geeky husband!

Now for the explanation of what Schrodinger's cat is dead and Schrodinger's cat is not dead means. I don't know. Please Google.  Seriously. Here is what Wikipedia has to say:

Schrödinger's cat is a thought experiment, usually described as a paradox, devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger in 1935. It illustrates what he saw as the problem of the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics applied to everyday objects. The thought experiment presents a cat that might be alive or dead, depending on an earlier random event. In the course of developing this experiment, he coined the term Verschränkung (entanglement).

Schrödinger's thought experiment was intended as a discussion of the EPR article, named after its authors—Einstein, Podolsky, and Rosen—in 1935.^[1] The EPR article had highlighted the strange nature of quantum entanglement, which is a characteristic of a quantum state that is a combination of the states of two systems (for example, two subatomic particles), that once interacted but were then separated and are not each in a definite state. The Copenhagen interpretation implies that the state of the two systems undergoes collapse into a definite state when one of the systems is measured.

Schrödinger and Einstein had exchanged letters about Einstein's EPR article, in the course of which Einstein had pointed out that the state of an unstable keg of gunpowder will, after a while, contain a superposition of both exploded and unexploded states.

To further illustrate the putative incompleteness of quantum mechanics, Schrödinger describes how one could, in principle, transpose the superposition of an atom to large-scale systems of a live and dead cat by coupling cat and atom with the help of a "diabolical mechanism". He proposed a scenario with a cat in a sealed box, wherein the cat's life or death was dependent on the state of a subatomic particle. According to Schrödinger, the Copenhagen interpretation implies that the cat remains both alive and dead (to the universe outside the box) until the box is opened.

Schrödinger did not wish to promote the idea of dead-and-alive cats as a serious possibility; quite the reverse, the paradox is a classic reductio ad absurdum.^[2] The thought experiment serves to illustrate the bizarreness of quantum mechanics and the mathematics necessary to describe quantum states. Intended as a critique of just the Copenhagen interpretation (the prevailing orthodoxy in 1935), the Schrödinger cat thought experiment remains a topical touchstone for all interpretations of quantum mechanics. How each interpretation deals with Schrödinger's cat is often used as a way of illustrating and comparing each interpretation's particular features, strengths, and weaknesses.

Ummmmm. Ok. Did y'all understand that!?!?  The crazy thing is Jonas did. He loved this kind of stuff. He read physic books for FUN. Not for school or work but for PURE enjoyment. For FUN! 

Yup. There is my honey reading his favorite book
 "Understanding Physics" by Isaac Asimov

Jonas also loved puzzles. Logic puzzles, math puzzles, game puzzles. We were always trying to find a puzzle that would stump Jonas and take him longer than 20 minutes to figure out. I don't think we were ever successful! He would complete the "extremely hard puzzles" as the packages would claim in less than 30 min. Really Joe?!? He would just smile and do his little laugh.

So his headstone is a mix of things he loved. He loved me. He loved his boys. He loved fishing with his boys. He enjoyed physics and he enjoyed puzzles. That is why it is a puzzle to see if you can see both words "alive" and dead".

I especially wanted Jonas to know that we would love him forever. And we will.

The Love Story Continues....

The cute boy (have you figured out it's Jonas) and the sixteen year old (thats me) continued writing each other during the two years of Joe's mission. Actually, I did most of the writing. Jonas got letters out....occasionally. I think my mom heard plenty of whining and complaining from me that Jonas had forgotten about me or "why wasn't he writing?" Just to see me a few days later ecstatic because I had FINALLY received a letter from him! What a roller coaster those two years were!


I did date while Jonas was on his mission. I had fun going to all the High School dances and going on other dates during the time Jonas was gone. I never dated anyone exclusivly though. After graduation I started working full time at Certified Warehouse. I actually have really fun memories of working in a warehouse. I was the only person who worked in the office but the warehouse workers were fun and I really enjoyed being at work.


In August of 1996 I got a phone call from Joe's mom, Kathy, who told me Jonas had been diagnosed with diabetes and was in the hospital in Argentina. She told me he would be coming home in one week. I remember feeling unsure of myself and not really knowing how to react. I was expecting him home in October and hearing he would be home on August 21st was strange. I was so unprepared for this news! I remember I had gone on some fun dates with someone recently and was thinking, "Wait!!! Jonas can't come home!! I need to keep dating this other guy to see how things will turn out for us. I am supposed to have until October before I see Jonas again!"  If you can't tell, I was really nervous for him to come home and totally didn't know what to expect. It had been TWO years! I was graduated from High School and working a full time job. When he left I was just starting my junior year. I was confused. I was nervous.


So the day arrived. I went to the airport with my mom and two youngest sisters. I think I mentioned this in another post, but I remember hiding behind one of Joe's friends when he came out of the gate. I didn't want to be the center of attention so I let his family and friends hug him before he saw me. Everyone had their turn and then it was mine. I had envisioned this hug for two years. No, Yanni was not playing over the sound system (because that is the music I always listened to when I envisioned this hug) and it wasn't slow motion with joyful laughing and crying and he did not swing me around in a circle saying he missed me and would never leave me again. No. It was none of those things I had envisioned. But it felt really good to hug him again and I was so happy he was home safe and sound. He had lost lots of weight from being so sick and he looked very tired. But he was home! Two years had gone by and here we were. Now. The question on my mind. Would things be the same???

Here is the "magical" first hug I dreamed about for two years

Elder Webster has returned!

1996

 These two pictures of Jonas and his younger brother Tyler make me laugh. Tyler had a HUGE growth spurt while Jonas was gone!

1994

I won't make you wait as long for the next chapter. Maybe I will even write it tomorrow. But I should really get to bed. 

Riding the Waves

I learned today that grief is like riding a wave. You are managing and feeling like you are doing ok and then you crash. I think the week before Easter was when my wave started to crash to shore and I am still laying there in a puddle on the beach. I am pretty sure I will get picked up again with the tide and then start to ride my wave again. I just hope the next crash won't be as painful. I am not quite sure my heart can take it. As soon as I feel like I am riding the wave again I will write the second part to our love story. I am just waiting to be picked up with the next wave.

He Lives

Going through this weekend was tough. Really tough. It was the first big holiday without Jonas. I made it through Friday ok. I dyed eggs with the boys, which is something I have always loved to do.  It was so sad to me though, that I wasn't finding the excitement in it that I normally do. In the past I have always been as excited as the kids to color eggs. Not this year though. It was forced. Everything is always forced. Forced smiles, forced fun. I look forward to the day when the excitement of doing things with my kids will return and I won't have to force happiness anymore. Although it feels like it will never come again. Forced. Not really an enjoyable way to live.


Saturday was worse. I spent the morning crying. When Jack saw me crying he joined me. It really scares him to see me cry. I think he feels like something bad is happening to me. I can usually pull myself together when he walks in on me crying, but Saturday I couldn't. So we both cried wailed together for awhile. Then I forced myself to go to the neighborhood Easter egg hunt. The kids had fun. It was good for them. I forced myself to smile and look happy. I stayed up until 3:30 am Saturday night. I didn't want to go to bed because I knew tomorrow would come and Jonas would still be gone.


Tomorrow is here. Jonas is still gone. He will be gone for the rest of my tomorrows. It makes my heart hurt. I miss him so much. My body, my mind, my soul aches for him to hold me.

With the first holiday being Easter Sunday I have been trying so hard to focus on what I know. I know Easter is the time to think about Jesus Christ and remember that Jesus made it possible for us to live again. I know Jonas is in Heaven and that he too still lives. I know Jesus Christ made it possible for all of us to live again even after death and that means I will be able to see Jonas again and he will be able to hold me in his arms again. I know these things because I feel in my heart they are true and it is what I have always been taught. Even with this knowledge it is still so hard to accept that Jonas is no longer here with me on Earth. I still miss him terribly and I still have an aching broken heart because he is not here. I can't imagine what my pain and heartache would be if I did not know and have faith that I would see Jonas again. It's hard to imagine pain, heartache and sorrow more intense than what I already feel, but I am sure it is out there. I am grateful to know that Jesus lives and in return my husband, the love of my life, also lives. 

Joe's Medical History....part 1

Elder Jonas Webster

October 1994

I was going to blog the next "exciting" episode of our love story, but those who know me well, can tell you I have always had a hard time staying focused on one thing at a time.  Now that my life has turned completely upside down,  it's even worse. So today you get some medical history....and you will just have to wait patiently for the next episode of "True Love in Bloom,"......that's the thing about writing your love story when you don't have your "other half" to remind you of what "really" happened. You can make it as exciting, romantic, and wonderful as you want!

When Jonas was on his mission in Bahia Blanca, Argentina he was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. He had been serving in the mission field since 1994 and was diagnosed in 1996. He came home just two months before his release date. I remember him being very skinny and looking really pale when he came off the plane. He had been so sick while he was in Argentina! He later said how "scary" the hospital was over there. I remember that I was hiding behind his friend Ryan Furness (who has also passed away) when Jonas came off the plane, (this was back when they let you wait at the gates)......I was so nervous to see him! Oh my goodness. I remember that first hug. It was awesome.

Elder Jonas Webster August 1996

He had a rough couple of months trying to get his diabetes under control. He came home from his mission on his birthday, August 21st. I remember it was at the end of November that he finally started feeling better. He tried just using insulin shots in the beginning, but his glucose levels were always all over the place. He got a diabetic pump in November and that is what finally helped him to get feeling "normal" again. He stayed in the hospital for two nights so he could learn how to use his pump. Little did I know that would be the first of many many hospital stays for my honey. Getting diagnosed with diabetes at age 21 was really hard for him. Jonas was very athletic during his school years. He was the captain of the Taylorsville swim team and loved to go rock climbing. He had always been able to do and eat what he wanted without giving it another thought. Diabetes changes everything. The adjustments in his lifestyle were hard, but he pulled through and kept his diabetes very well managed and under control.

Jonas didn't start having any other major health problems until 2005. He had a few bumps in the road through the years......he would get sick easily, was always coughing, had "the runs" quite often (not a very "public" matter to blog about, but it becomes a major part of his sickness in the later years). But we just figured it was due to his lower immune system since he was a diabetic. He did have one diabetic seizure around 1999 when he was at work. I remember getting a phone call while I was at work from a nurse at St. Mark's hospital. I was so scared and crying the whole way there.  He had bit his tongue really hard when he went into his seizure. The hole in his tongue was really gross! But other than that, he was ok. Whoosh. What a relief!

Jonas, Sam, & Ben
March 2005

So 2005 comes along and one month after I had Ben, Jonas had an appointment with his diabetic doctor.  The labs he got that day showed that his white blood count was really low......seriously low.....she told him to go to the ER because the doctors would need to do some testing to figure out what was going on. Since I was home with a three week old baby and a 21 month old, he told me he was ok to take himself and his mom and dad met him at the hospital.

He was there for several hours and I wasn't hearing much from him. I remember being so worried and wishing I was there. It wasn't until he got home that evening that he told me what the doctors had been testing him for. When he walked in the door and saw me, he started crying. It is heartbreaking to see your husband cry. The doctors had been testing him for cancer (which came back negative), but he had been so scared. I was so upset that I hadn't been there with him, but he said he was glad I wasn't because he didn't want me to feel as scared as he had been that day.  That day really changed Jonas. The thought of having cancer had terrified him.

I am going to end for now. I am getting to "the good the bad and the ugly" years of Jonas' mysterious illnesses. So this too, will be continued.

Jonas and Brittney Webster
August 2002